MY MUSIC EXPERIENCE GROWING UP
I thought that I would start off this chapter with my musical exposure experiences when I was growing up. I had a variety of music exposure growing up. I attended a Catholic Church weekly with my mother who worked there and she also sang in the churches folk group. Even though I would be more exposed to this style while at church because of her involvement, I also loved when I heard the full church choir sang. My mother would listen to adult contemporary style of music like Barbara Streisand, Neal Diamond and Kenny Rogers. My parents befriended the church choir musical director and pianist (he could have been the music ministry coordinator or whatever name he was given) and on many gatherings at his house he would sing and play. I felt he was extremely gifted.
My father would play what was considered the oldies station in his trucks when I rode with him. I liked The Beach Boys and picked up some cassette tapes when we went to the flea market.
I have two older brothers ten and nine years older, same age range as Billy Corgan. I remember jumping up and down on my oldest brothers bed to Motley Crue and Iron Maiden and he also listened to Chicago and others. He also had a bit of an interest in drums but I rarely ever seen him play.
My other brother, born the same year (1967) and day of the week (Friday) as Billy, played the guitar. I can’t recall specifically particular bands he listened to nor played but I’m sure it was the same as my other brother. As a child, I believe I was more drawn to my oldest brother. He also had an interest in fish and had tanks in his room. My oldest brother is a sun Gemini (the Twins) but maybe we can see the fish interest as a reflection of Billy being a Pisces.
I also have been exposed to whatever my friends listened to. One example is that I grew up riding the small special bus and on days where we had a substitute and riding a full sized bus, some fellow peers would have cassette tapes and the bus had a tape player and we would be jamming and hoping the seats to music like Gun N Roses. In my area, it’s not uncommon for people to listen to both rock and country so I’ve also been open to both genres. I also had friends that listened to RnB and rap. As a child I also liked watching the Muppets and had a cassette tape of them and also Disney movies and music from Walt Disney World Theme Parks. I may still have that Muppets cassette in storage. In all, I believe I was exposed to a variety of music.
Paula Abdul was considered one of my favorite artist back when I was a teenager. I believe I became a fan of hers when her song Straight Up came out. I was 12 when the song was released on November 22, 1988. I guess I became so much of a fan that someone tried starting a rumor in high school about me being gay, because of it. When I was 15, I had posters of her on my wall and not pictures like lame boy bands like New Kids on the Block. I think I only tolerated them for one week before I said, nope. I do not like. (It was a interesting week because my friends embraced my fandom. We recorded copy of their music video, and I think it was carnival week so I “won” a poster as well. After my week adventure of being a NKOTB fan, the said poster became target practice of rubber bands when none of my friends were over. I was respectful of my parents house so, no darts or other sharp objects. Eventually I took it down. I only left it up for when my friends came over. When I switched bedrooms at 16, I never hung it back up.)
I knew I wasn’t gay. I did not feel drawn towards Paula Abdul in that way. Also, another factor was that I didn’t have a boyfriend, nor did I have an actual interest in boys and I wasn’t boy crazy like everyone I knew. So, apparently I was now being labeled as gay. Peer pressure that helped fuel a need to find a boyfriend so I wasn’t bullied. A friend tried to set me up with a friend of her boyfriend but long story short, he was a dog and our relationship was what I referred to as a phone relationship. He was 19 and I was 15. I would eventually be in a physical relationship with a man when I was 16. I ended the relationship two years later.
FAREWELL AND GOODBYE
In July of 1995 I ended my relationship with my first boyfriend that lasted 2 years (2 years too long, as I use to say). I just graduated high school and was quickly learning who my friends really were and who he was. My first boyfriend was 6 years older then I was. I thought it was an ok age difference because I had 2 brothers ten and nine years older. In my mind he was like a missing brother in between me and them. I wasn’t thinking about the legal adult age and how he can legally drink and buy alcohol being 22. I didn’t drink nor smoked so I wasn’t concerned about that. I was thinking, well, he’s younger than my brothers, so this seems ok and not a red flag. Maybe I was naive to think that way, but that’s what I was thinking, not that he could have been a predator.
The moments before I ended it with him, I began learning a few things about him. One, he forced himself on one of my friends (of course he denied it) and Two, his hidden drug use. Once I ended it with him, I never went back. There was no sex with the ex or anything. Oh, I did give in to the goodbye sex, which made no sense to me. Do people really think that if they try giving you good sex “one last time” that someone might stick around longer? We had sex for the past two years, what would make this “one last time before you go” any different or that it would “rekindle” my feelings for him? It’s just sex. I believe this is what some would call sex magic and I think only low vibrational people are affected by it. It didn’t work for me, sorry. He did try to get me back a few times, but I preserved onwards and never looked back. Adios!
Personally, I feel people who keep having sex with exes have mental issues. Why are you still having sex with them? Are you really exes if you keep shagging? You are not an ex, you are still an item. And if one of them gets another person for a relationship, are you both in an open relationship if you keep having sex with an “ex”? Does this new person know or are you hiding it, thus cheating on your new person. “But it’s ok, it’s not a new person” is that the thinking? Oh but your so called ex is going around with other new people, but somehow in their mind that’s ok? Is that the thinking? I can’t understand it. When I leave, I leave. It’s done and gone. Been there, done that. I don’t believe in repeating a relationship I know that didn’t work out just for booty call. That must be one of the most idiotic things people do. Let it go. Burn that damn bridge!
Sometime after I broke it off with my first boyfriend, I began working at a local convenience store. It may also be a few weeks before I broke it off with him that I started working there. A local convenience store where I get to make Hoagies, stock shelves, mop the floor etc. This company was exclusively located in the county I lived, they didn’t open stores in other parts of the state or country. It was a dairy farm company. Something that would be significant synchronicities to the future man I would have children with. At this time in my life when I worked there, it was too far into the future.
SHAKE YOUR BOOTY
I was working my new summer job and then eventually one day I would see an ad in the paper that came in the mail that said make up to a thousand dollars a week, no experience necessary. Will train. This sounds interesting and it’s so much more money then what I was making at around five dollars an hour back then.
I decided to call and then go check it out, not knowing what it actually was. I can’t recall how I got to point A to point B, but it happened. I would quit the convenience store since I didn’t get enough hours anyway. When I auditioned, I only remembered being more worried about how I was going to perform rather than getting naked. Thanks Paula for showing me how to dance! (Paula Abdul inspiring future strippers.)
We needed stage names and I haven’t a clue to what to call myself. The woman in the office went by the name Vera and another dancer came in, whom they referred to as supervisors. These dancers have been with the club for a long time and are basically shift managers that also dance and train the new girls. They are usually older, boob jobs and really know how to wear lots of make up to look like porn stars. The one who came in don’t cake herself up as much and she may have had Native American/African American/Hispanic ancestry, I forget, but she definitely wasn’t white nor black. I do recall her stage name, Casha (Rhymes with Sasha). She suggested my stage name be Sierra and that is the name I would be for the first few clubs I worked.
I briefly danced in August of 1995. I was working day shift in the nudie bar. I was still 18. I was there Monday to Friday for my first week. On that Friday it would be my last for the rest of that year. That first ex walked into the club I was at and he was horrified at what he seen and went and called my parents from the pay phone outside. “Guess where your daughter is at?”
In short, my car was taken away from me for the rest of summer (it was still registered in their name) but I was continuing with my vocational drama class as post secondary student so, my car had to eventually be given back to me to go to school. I was allowed to use my car to go to school and look for a job. That’s how I was able to get my car back.
After some weeks had gone by, even though my ex tattletale on me, he did try to get me back. He showed up at my Vocational school dressed in a fake Mickey Mouse costume with balloons on my birthday which fell on a Tuesday in 1995. He waved to stop me and hand me a card and I was able to look inside through the eyes and seen who it was. I took a quick notice of the car sitting nearby that was a friend of his and I took off, parked my car and ran into the school. I speed walked my way to class. He tried to enter but they wouldn’t let him. Um, nope, Goodbye means goodbye, See ya! You even dug a much deeper hole with calling my parents. Did he really think I was going to take him back after that? Go jump off that bridge you were threatening me with if I didn’t go back. Mom even said she’d help give a push after I told her he said that to me. “Mom, Tom told me he’s going to jump off a bridge.” “Ask him if he needs a push.” It was one of those rare occasions where me and mom would agree on something.
Song: Hit The Road, Jack. “Hit the road, Tom. Don’t you come back no more no more no more. Hit the road, Tom. Don’t you come back no more.”
Eventually, I found a job at another convenience store that’s about a half hour away (17 miles) from my parents house. Oh, I was deliberately planning on returning back to the club, that’s why I found a job to work at far away. Soon, I would find my honey while driving in my car.
WHEN AND HOW I FOUND THEE
It was sometime around October 1995 when I “found” Billy Corgan. The song that led me to him was Bullet with Butterfly Wings. Yes, that song that starts off with “The World is a Vampire”. The songs released date is October 24, 1995. I just turned 19 on the third of October that month.
I was most likely driving in my car, probably to and from school and/or work or some other task my parents had me do. It was something about the song that drew me in. I would scan the radio stations to find it again and again in hopes to hear the name of the artist and of course to listen to my new song addiction. I had no knowledge of Twin Flames nor Soulmates back then. Eventually, I would find the band and purchase the album. I most likely bought it with my first or second pay check since I wasn’t making instant cash at the nudie bar.
I had no idea who Billy Corgan was nor what he even looked liked. I was drawn to the music and his voice before I even seen his body and facial features. Everything about the music had a different feel for me then all the other music on the radio. I don’t recall feeling this way with Paula Abdul or the Bangles or Richard Marx, or Bryan Adams or The Beach Boys or the many other artist that I liked. I would consider myself a casual music listener because I did have a variety of music that I listened to.
The energy with the Smashing Pumpkins was most definitely different from all my previous musical exposure and I found them on my own, alone, driving in my car. No one “introduced” me to them but the radio.
Radio, play my favorite song. Radio. – I Of The Morning from the album Machina.
I may not have known what Billy Corgan looked liked at first, initially I was first drawn to him with his voice and music, not by what he looked liked. Even after I got the album Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, I couldn’t tell you who was who and who play what instrument nor who sung the songs. I noticed there was one female so, I knew she wasn’t the main singer. That band photograph didn’t do much for me in that department. Yet, I was drawn to the one person. I didn’t know if it’s because the space between him and the other three that made him stand out, or the black and silver clothing, but I would still go about my life and listen to the entire album anyway. I was sucked in. This band just grasped me. I was also excited to have finally “found” a favorite band though. It wasn’t until a little later that I noticed hey, I believe I love this man, or . . . something.
Siamese Dream didn’t have a photograph of the band either. I can’t recall when I finally figured out who the members were and who Billy Corgan was. I mean, I can read who wrote and performed the music but placing the name to the face was a task in itself. “Who’s this man in relation to the band?” The albums weren’t much help when it came to who was who. It was a slow process in figuring that out. It wasn’t about the person in the beginning because I was all over the music and my own identification of them was that I was a fan, not some Soulmate. I believed I seen a magazine cover and read the article or something of that nature and I was kind of relieved that the person I was being drawn to was him because I was also drawn to his voice. “It’s the same person. The voice goes with this body.” Wonderful! A newly bald head didn’t phase me one bit. I already accepted him. It wasn’t about his hair or lack of it.
I began working at my second convenience store around the time I first met who would eventually become my second official relationship. (If I can find a date of when ai started working there, I’ll update this page, doubtful but one may never know.) I only hooked up with him for the night and didn’t talk to him until a few months later. With post secondary school and my new job, being in a relationship wasn’t on my agenda. Not knowing much about Billy Corgan or if I even heard of the Smashing Pumpkins when I met Mike, I wouldn’t have made any connections of the two at all and I never did until I started doing our timelines.
19/7/9 came out as a single on January 23, 1996. How exciting that I could listen to more songs on the radio even though I was already wearing out the CD. I wasn’t around cable to watch music videos. I really didn’t watch music videos to see him. It took me some time before I could watch music videos, my parents didn’t have cable. I may not have seen 19/7/9 until 2000, when I purchased the greatest hits DVD. I would not make any association with synchronicities until I became aware of being a Twin Flame, and boy, are there many!
19/7/9 music video was really on a linear timeline. There was a male figure in the music video that could have been my first ex as well. There was so much that, I couldn’t put it all on the collage. I may even stretch it further because of the doppelgänger, Billy representing Mike in this music video. Billy wasn’t driving. I was nearly 2 years older than Mike and I drove us everywhere. I believe I even helped him get a license because his family was poor. I can’t recall if I did or not but I was the one with the car. He didn’t have one when we were together.
Actually, I can see Billy is both of my exes. Tom didn’t have a car either. I drove him around in my car. He could be a merging of both of them in this music video by being driven around. Then again, I still feel it’s Mike and not Tom because there was a male figure who walked up to the characters car that could have represented Tom.
I really liked the album because of the variety of music. There were fast songs. Slow Songs, instrumental piano piece that began the entire listening experience, rock out songs, artistic pieces etc. The album was a double disk, so it was very long. But I listened to it, all in order, never skipping a song.
This was my first album from the Smashing Pumpkins and already they had a special place on my music shelf. Eventually, I would pick up another album from them. I believe I gotten Siamese Dream. Boom, another album taking me in. I think I was annoying my new boyfriend, Mike at the time with them always on in my car, and LOUD. I believe one time he gotten me a gift, a CD. The CD was from the band Bush, and I really didn’t like them so much. They just didn’t click for me like the Smashing Pumpkins. I’d rather throw the CD out the window. I was done and gone with the Smashing Pumpkins, fuck Gavin, Birthday buddy Gwen can have him, I wanted bald man Billy Corgan! Billy is so much HOTTER than Gavin, in my humbled opinion. I’m aware I’m in a small majority but that’s because not everyone can have great taste.
BACK TO DANCING
The convenience store I was working at was dropping my hours. There was me and this other young female that was working the night shift. I was told that the company didn’t like have 2 females working the night shift. They were hiring other people and I was being left behind. I needed money and decided to take the leap of trying to go back to the club. It has been a few months, maybe now is a good time.
I went back to the club in April of 1996. After knowing I was still welcomed there, I put in my two week notice at the convenience store. They told me the day I had to leave that they would keep my bag for me for when I went back. When I went back, indeed, my bag was still there. I was ready to try it again. They decided to let me work at the furthest store, even further away from the convenience store that happened to be on the same long highway.
Of course, this first club that I worked at, didn’t have a DJ. They had 3 clubs and all 3 locations would use a few mixed CDs played over and over again, never shuffled so you would eventually know what the next song would be played. Our time on the stage was timed and every 6 minutes a bell would go off and we would switch. In all three locations, I can’t recall a Smashing Pumpkins song. I can recall a Live song, “All Over You” and Gravity Kills, “Guilty” and perhaps a few others, and maybe Filter: Hey Man, Nice Shot, but most of the music was not rock. I would not be able to dance to Smashing Pumpkins until the second club I went to, which there was still no DJ but a jukebox and Siamese Dream and Mellon Collie was in there. The 3rd club I worked had DJs.
In August of 1996, I was still at the first club and Mike, the then boyfriend ended up going to boot camp with the National Guard that summer so, it was just me and my growing Billy Corgan love affair while he was away and sneaking around to work at the club. Mike’s parents didn’t mind and I would go there after work and take a nap before heading back to my parents house like I just got done my late night shift at the convenience store.
It wasn’t until Mike came back from Boot Camp that I broke it off with him because I cheated while he was away. I couldn’t stay with him after I was with someone else. It felt wrong because if I cheated, I must not love him, that’s how I think. It was only a few nights before he came back that I had sex with a guy I met from work. It was the only time that I did. I felt bad because my parents rented a mini limo to pick him up and bring him back to our house from the airport as a welcome back gift. Mikes parents would be there as well, Mike would send me letters and saying things like he feared I was going to send him a Dear John letter so, I waited until he came back to do it in person.
This must have been around mid August because my parents would find out that I was dancing again. They found out by going to the convenience store I “worked” at after a weekend birthday dinner for my father. I couldn’t go because at the club I was at would charge us two hundred dollars to take off on a weekend. I had no knowledge about any other clubs and this place had manipulation of the girls by telling us they are the best place to work at and any other club you would have to prositute yourself. Now, this is an entire different subject all together and I won’t explain to much more here. Just know, I had a pager back then and I got a page from my mother. It was just her phone number no message, it’s not voice mail. When I seen her number I felt cold inside and I “knew” they know. She never paged me! Ut oh.
I didn’t remembered if I called her back right away. I was working at the club that was far from the house. I sure heard an earful when I got back. The decision was made with coercion from my one brother to kick me out of the house. I couldn’t leave with my car but had to give them whatever money I had for it because they bought it for me as my first car. Well, there goes the savings I was trying to established.
I ended up staying with the guy I cheated on Mike with for about a month, until I had enough to get my own place. I didn’t feel comfortable staying there like how I was staying there. I did make friends with the guys mother though. Her name was like my moms, Joi. We got along great but me and him were not to last long. She was the first person who told me she felt I was an old soul and my parents were young souls and that’s why we don’t get along and such. Even though I grew up Catholic and I also stopped going to church when I was 18, Joi may have also contributed to my interest in spirituality. Joi mentioning to me about being an old soul struck an interest in me and it stuck in my head for a long time. I never even thought of anything like that, souls being old and young. I remained friends with her for a while even though me and her son were no longer together. If I recall he went back to an ex before I left the house.
I didn’t call my family for 2 weeks. Mom would page me and I didn’t respond back. Why should I call when you just told me to leave? Joi told me to call and I thought about it for a bit and I eventually did. Mom crying don’t ever not call us again! I can’t remember if I met up with them then or waited until I got my own place.
I found my first apartment through the club I was working. They had “connections”. I would soon leave that club in a few months and went to another club. I found an ad for bar hiring dancers and they paid! Oh, a place that pays? So I went. It was appropriately named Billy’s Place. Sounds legit, I should check it out!
Even though that small bar paid the girls, it was every other shift, I would not work there for very long. I got a hold of a local strip club magazine guide that listed every club in the South Jersey and Philadelphia area. Those magazines were my ticket to exploring the many clubs in the area for many years. I would audition at my third club some time after being at Billys place for a bit. I actually forgot why I left that small bar. It may be the fact that my third club had DJs and my growing Billy Corgan addiction and I need to dance to more than the two albums being offered. “Hey, I can now dance to other cool awesome Pumpkin songs that are not on mainstream radio!” Oh, those DJs noticed with my one case logic filled CD holder with absolutely nothing but the Smashing Pumpkins. The one DJ even announced me to the stage as the future Mrs Billy Corgan. I never forgot about that. I even remembered who said it, his name was Ted.
ON MY OWN
Well, here I was with a favorite band. A favorite artist. A male celebrity that I felt attracted towards when I couldn’t find any of those “crushes” in my teenage years like all my other friends. I think I feel “normal” now. But the thing is, I’m now out of high school. I don’t have book covers to doodle on with my favorite band logo. I don’t have book covers with images of my favorite band. I missed that bus. “I found a male celebrity that I’m crushing on everybody! See, I’m not gay!” Oh well. Now, I’m living alone, with my own place. What do I do now on my own?
It took me, perhaps a few months, to get situated in my own space. Furniture, appliances, dishes, it took some time but it was exciting to have my own space. I would also find a hobby, putting puzzles together. When I was home alone, I would be putting puzzles together and most likely, listening to my new band obsession. How lovely was it, I can listen to my favorite artist new music. I believe I even seen the movie because of the man involved with the soundtrack.
Now that I had my own space, it was just me in a one bedroom apartment. The bedroom for this apartment was large. I can’t say much for storage space though, but the bedroom was large. It had a washer and dryer and I was on the second floor.
I would walk into some of these novelty types of stores that sold music merchandises and I would find the Smashing Pumpkins posters and T-shirt. Looking at them and staring into Billys eyes, I would cave and put up a few on my bare walls.
I have Billy Corgan on my apartment walls! They were placed in my bedroom. I found two big posters back then and maybe three regular sized ones. I had a Tonight, Tonight poster and one with the three of them after Jimmy was removed from the band from drug overdosed. There were many times I would just gazed into his eyes in both of them. They were really nice sized posters to just gaze into his eyes. I would just look right into them. I also wouldn’t “notice” the other human figures or objects, just this subtle love and admiration. There was nothing sexual about it. I wasn’t or haven’t masterbated looking at his pictures nor fantasize sex with him. I would just look at him and I was content and peaceful. I had other celebrity posters/pictures on my walls as a teenager, but this was different. I didn’t just post these posters on my walls for the sake of proving that I wasn’t gay to the friends who may show up or to display how desperate I was, or boy crazy. This was the band that I felt drawn to, especially, Billy Corgan.
I did begin to visit my parents but those first few years I would still hear a lecture almost every time I went. I considered it successful if there was a day where non of that was thrown at me. It’s the I’m committing a sin. How can I take my clothes off in front of people? I wasn’t raised this way. I heard my father asked if I was stupid. And a whole list of things I had to sit and listen to. Do I just walk out? I believe there could have been days where I did just that. Of course after I drive off in my car and the Smashing Pumpkins were most always my chosen music selection. I would feel a sense of calm almost immediately. Perhaps it was in a sense like him holding me energetically. It didn’t matter the song of his, it just had to be him. So I would grab any Smashing Pumpkins CD. Looked at what I grabbed and just pop it in the CD player without a care. Who knows, maybe I did for a bit of co dependency by doing this. But the last thing on my mind was him being a type of soulmate.
I was still 20 when I worked at a tavern called Billy’s Place in Gloucester City. There was a man there that I was talking to and he invited me out. I agreed. What was it about him that made me say, yes? He kind of reminded me of Billy Corgan. Shorter and he lived in a trailer. Yes, I went out with a man for a night on the sole purpose that he resembles Billy Corgan, when I was 20. We went to South Street. Why do I remember this encounter is because he took me to a bar and I slipped in without being IDed. I didnt drink at work. I never did. “The most alcohol I had was Nitequil”. It was this place where I was suckered to get a drink. “Well, you’re in a bar now. You better order something.” I don’t know what to drink, I never drank! Do you like milkshakes? Sure. So, he orders me a White Russian. Well, I wasn’t too crazy about it so after I was done he asked if I like fruit drinks. Yeah, but this is different. So, he decided to order me a Sex on the Beach. After my two first drinks, all I can say was Wow! I feel…different! “Are you drunk?” I don’t know, I never was. I definitely feel something!
After that bar we headed back to Jersey and he took me to another club, I think it was an after hours club we went to, so it was late at night and after perhaps about 5am before we went back to my place. All the bars and clubs close at 2am in Pennsylvania and New Jersey unless it’s an after hours club.
You can say Billy Corgan got me drunk, indirectly. Bastard! This man was an Aires and his birthday was one month after Billys, April 14. I forgot the year, I didn’t write it down.
GUITAR AND VOICE
Now that I was on my own and in my own space, I needed something to do. I began by doing puzzles and most likely listening to my favorite band while doing them. I would begin to work at other clubs and I was able to dance to my favorite band, I do believe that I started to think about playing the guitar and singing while at the first club though. I mean, it didn’t matter if it was them or another band, all of a sudden I had an interest in playing the guitar. I would also think, well, my brother plays, I think I might learn to.
I knew I had an interest in singing as a teenager because I would lip sing but I knew I was doing that because I was uncomfortable with my own voice. I would eventually soon find a vocal and guitar teacher. I believe I went for voice first because I already had an interest in acting and to use voice would expand on that with musical theater. I was also taking more acting classes, so it was a natural fit, in my mind. It was probably within the same month, I purchased my first guitar and asked to learn guitar from my new voice coach.
I do recall perhaps after I was studying for a year with him, that he told me I was progressing very well. He also felt I was doing better than his male students, because I “actually practice and it shows.” He also thought that I could surpass him in time. Well, that went to my head.
The one issue for me, as much as I loved my favorite band, I for some reason, didn’t want to learn any of their music. I was moving pretty fast for being a new fan, considering I just became a new fan a year before and collecting all their music CDs and posters and picking up magazines, yet, I didn’t want to learn their music. My guitar and voice coach would ask me if I wanted to learn them but, for some reason, I knew I didn’t want to “be” him and I wanted my own style, even though he told me he would help make sure I was doing it properly and not strain my vocal cords. Strange isn’t it?
Looking back now and learning all about Twin Flames, I believe, my pull towards playing the guitar was because of being a Twin Flame. Here I was, a new “fan” just over a year and the consistent ongoing thoughts, or what some people call merging in the mind, the presence of being him in some odd way that I didn’t even bother to examine, it just was, and he just slip himself as a part of me. It was these “feelings” or “knowing”, the thoughts that pulled me to want to play the same instrument as well. I didn’t get inspired by my brother. To help “relax” my mind, I learned to play as well. I have to say, it was definitely different then me learning to dance like Paula Abdul. I’m not attracted to her in “that” way, and I end up making a career of it. It’s difficult to describe but there’s a difference.
SIDE NOTE: Eventually, I did buy the music books and tried to self teach a few songs using the tabs, but I would not willingly learn with a teacher. There was a point in time much later, during the time I picked up the guitar again and soon create my own album, that I found another guitar teacher to help me get back into playing after being in hiatus from being in school for video. I actually requested to learn a few Smashing Pumpkins songs, but I didn’t stay with that teacher very long, maybe a month and I disappeared from him. Apparently, I didn’t like him as much as my first guitar instructor. If I think about it, we can probably see this as runner energy or stalker energy. It felt comfortable yet weird at the same time. That’s kind of forbidden territory, I’m a closet Smashing Pumpkin player!
A SPIRITUAL PATH
My estimate is about 1997 is when I began my spiritual path. I began reading books. My most significant author at this point in time was Neale Donald Walsch. He has written an entire series called Conversations with God. His first book was on the New York Times bestseller list for 137 weeks! 1+3+7=11.
What is also said about Twin Flames is a spiritual path and clearly this was reflected with indirectly meeting my Twin Flame through media now mirroring with a spiritual path. Of course, the question remains, how did I ever come across these books?
Too much time has passed for me to even recall how I found Neale Donald Walsch. I have thought about this many times since I began this Twin Flame path. I believe it came about from one of three ways or a combination of the three: Acting, Music, Billy Corgan.
I could have originally found myself in a book store like Barns and Noble or even one of those stores in the mall, looking for books on monologues. I also could have been seeking out music song books and perhaps even looking for magazines with my new love affair. That is most likely how I “bumped” into Neale’s book being on display. I could have very much been looking for any magazines I could get my hands on with Billy Corgan and then expanded exploring the rest of the store. I do believe I was living on my own when I found Neale but I can’t exactly remember which apartment I was in sitting and reading his book. I also can’t recall if he was my first spiritual book or someone proceeded him in that department. If someone did, I guess you can say it had less impact on me than Neale’s books.
My estimate is around February 1998, I decided to go Vegan. It was mostly inspired by my readings of Conversations with God and in one of the books, he mentioned Tony Robbins and Diest for a New America. I remembered the day I decided to end it, 7 1/2 years later, the last month before I graduated school. It was August 2005 and my math has me at this date.
During the times I would still get lectured by my parents about my job, now I was a Vegan, I have been called an extremist. My father, because of his heart attack was on a “vegetarian” diet. I quoted it because he would often “cheat”. I would be asked if I “can” have something and it was just annoying hearing that. Yes, I “can” eat that, I CHOOSE not to. This is how I was now an extremist.
I went more into detail about becoming Vegan on Chapter 30.
I lived in my first apartment for one year, then I moved into my second apartment, which was in the same development as my vocal and guitar teacher. He suggests that I move to that community when I told him that my lease is up and I was debating if I wanted to stay there. So, I decided to move into the apartment community he lived and he got a discount for recommendation. I never went to his place. I mean, I knew he worked long hours teaching and I have my schedule. We didn’t have a “let’s hang out” schedule even though we now lived near each other.
After a year in my second apartment, I wanted to jump state lines. I believe I started working at a club in Pennsylvania first and I wanted to get out of New Jersey, so that’s what I did. My 3rd apartment was on Knights Road in Bensalem, Pennsylvania, just right outside of Philadelphia. The significance of this photograph of Billy Corgan wearing a Knights armor and the road I lived off of, never occurred to me as a synchronicities because it was nothing I was looking for. Anything like this I only took it as coincidental, if I noticed anything.
During this time, I was hooking up with a guy from the strip bar I met in Pennsylvania, my 3rd club. This guy was tall 6’4″ and a Pisces (February 24, 1975), like Billy, with dark hair and I don’t think they were blue but hazel eyes. I guess you can now see my natural attraction being shaped? Was it that I was actually attracted to him or the vibe of a younger Billy Corgan? (I think I’m supposed to be with someone like Billy Corgan! He’s so out of reach anyway. Would he like me if we met? How would we meet? Well, here’s someone I can be with.
Based on his suggestion of an area where I should live, I found this apartment community to accept me (mom had to co-sign though) and I was a little more experienced in what to look for in an apartment. I felt within my price range and what was being offered, this one was the best. This place didn’t have individual washer and dryers and I started to learn that it was a privilege to have one in an apartment like my first apartment. Yes, my beautiful huge Smashing Pumpkins posters went along with me and my two favorites of eye candy gazing were placed ever again so I can view my beloved looking across from my bed. It has never occurred to me until I made this connection and with the posters, and how people are able to feel a Twin Flame connection, that maybe perhaps, this guy was intimidated by my Billy Corgan “thing”? I only viewed me as a fan though but if people can “sense” the connection, I think he got scared off by him. I found an article with an emphasis of something Billy Corgan said during this time period that makes me question now, that he actually had something to do with me and that guy not working out and I didn’t understand it. What happened?
“There’s definitely the moment where you go, ‘What happened?’ Maybe they don’t love you anymore.” – Billy Corgan Rolling Stone interview December 24, 1998
Who knew that Billy Corgan was going to answer that question for me? And I never met him in person! Thanks Billy! Now you indirectly got me drunk and you answered my question of what happened between me and this other guy!
A DAILY PLANNER
During my working at my third club, as a gift to the girls for Christmas, they gave us daily planners. I worked at this club during some time in 1998 and into 1999. The planner they gave us was for 1999, with the name of the club on the front. I have used it and am able to use it for the writing of this time period for this chapter of my life story. For the first three months though, I’ve only written my work schedule. I was working 2 clubs, my third and 4th. I was Sierra at the one and Cheyenne for the other. You could say I was having a bit of an identity crisis. I had 3 names. The name given to me by my parents, a name given to me from the first club I was at, and now my third name give to me by my 4th club.
First note besides schedule times didn’t happen until the day before Billy Corgan’s birthday, March 16. It appears to be directions and I can’t recall what for. I did make a note of Billy Corgan’s birthday. I mean, no other celebrity in this entire world can say they had that honor of me writing their birthday in a calendar. F. U. to the people saying I was gay because Paula Abdul didn’t even have that honor from me!
It appears I didn’t do a June schedule for my third club because I no longer had times logged in for that club. I ended one of my identity crisis of being Sierra. May 30th, 1999 is my last entry for that club.
My first entry for a club in Philadelphia was August 31, 1999. That club was called Bumpers. My first entry for Signatures was September 11, 1999. If I remember correctly, I was there for a year and half. My last entry for Bumpers was September 18, 1999. I was there on stage, when they came in and shut the place down. I’ve written 11-5 for Bumpers and I was scheduled for Signatures after. Well, at least I had another place to work. . .
I was inspired to buy one on my own planners the following year. I’m excited to have done this and wished I kept up with it over the years, but there’s nothing I can do about it now.
Looking back, I find it amusing that I was able to keep with writing in my planners for 13 months leading up to meeting Billy Corgan for the first time; face to face, eye to eye. I only kept up with it for about 4 months after and failed to execute any further.
MY FIRST CONCERT
My adventure with my 3rd club has many stories mixed with it. It was also the club that I received my long term stage name, Cheyenne. I just kept using that name for many years. On rare occasions when I find a club with a Cheyenne, I would use my first stage name, Sierra. I try to go by the rule of not naming myself. At this club, I also met a man who would offer me to go to a concert. This was my very first concert. The very first concert I went to: Marilyn Manson. I was 22. He invited me to go with him and a group of his friends. They were renting a Limo to pick them up and drop them off. I said, sure I’ll go. Sounds like fun.
I never was invited to a show. My family never took me to one. Even when they knew I was a fan of Paula Abdul as a teenager, my parents never mentioned to take me to a show. My older brothers never took me to a show. I had friends that would tell me they seen concerts but never asked me if I wanted to tag along. No friends made plans with me to even ask my parents if they could buy me tickets. Nothing until this moment in time.
When we arrived in the Philadelphia venue, I noticed a man out front that was a Bible protester. I wanted to debate with him but I couldn’t because my group would had left me behind. Maybe another day I’ll debate with someone. This was my first concert, so I don’t need to have a debate to distract me of what was supposed to be a fun night.
The seats we had was nothing special. We sat so far away. I felt I needed binoculars to see the stage. I think there was a point where I got up and walked around. Maybe I’ll find a bible preaching protester to debate with. I would only walk around for so long before heading back to the group because they were my ride back. It wasn’t until almost a year later that I would see Billy Corgan face to face.
TRYING TO FIND A “NORMAL” JOB
I started seeing someone June of 1999. I met him from a job I started working at in May. A man that came in my club offered me to work for him at his used furniture store. It was one of my attempts at leaving the strip club industry, but I never fully left. No sooner that I was working there that we found out the owner had some legal issues with the company and the owners from Texas came in. I only worked there for one month!
The story for me was that I was released not knowing why and they had me sign a piece of paper, basically so I can’t sue them. I would later find out I was being discriminated because of my other job being a dancer and they felt it was bad for business. Yeah, I could have had a lawsuit with JC Penny but I signed a piece of paper and that was the end of that.
I began hooking up with the guy from the furniture store right before I was “released” on June 11th. We went to see Austin Powers in the theater. July 2, 1999, is when all the excitement of that furniture store took off.
Within one hour of being fired, I found a job at Denny’s. I began working at Dennys as a waitress. I believe they took me because I offered to work the “graveyard shift”. I went for a second interview, then to file paperwork and watched a lovely corporate made video.
In a short time, I was being cross trained to be a hostess. I believe I was being frustrating as a waitress and dealing with people’s food. Hey, I didn’t cook it, I just served it to you! Working night shift means you deal with the bar crowd, coming in perhaps many drunk and rowdy. I was also cross trained to be a dishwasher. Who knows how much further I would have went being cross trained if I stayed working there. I believe next in line was cook.
After my lease was up from my apartment on Knights Road, I moved in with the guy I was seeing. I believe we were “together” for 6 months. This is the guy I got my cats from. (The story of my cats are on the next chapter, along with more of my experiences with him.) I wanted to try and quit dancing so I can be approved by the “real world” I guess. Being an exotic dancer has a stigma.
I was still on occasions hooking up with my car friends that I met from the club. I can’t say I was exclusively with who would be my main relationship for a few months. They also had another main relationship.
When I moved in with this guy, I didn’t hang my posters. I guess I unconsciously thought it was distasteful to do so since I was involved in a relationship? Then again, I wasn’t exactly exclusive with him. Why would I think that as a fan? I mean, I knew I loved Billy Corgan somehow, even if I didn’t know the words or what I was feeling. I only identified him as my favorite artist and therefore, I’m a huge fan of his work! Perhaps I didn’t want the judgments I would have received and felt I was protecting Billy from any damages that could have happened to my posters.
Released the day after my fathers 51st birthday on August 24, 1999, the song Billy Corgan written with Natalie Imbruglia singing from the movie Stigmata takes a whole new meaning for me after learning about Twin Flames and our connection. Looking at time frames now, I’m seeing this particular song as foreshadowing of what would soon manifest for me with not putting Billy back up on my walls once I left my apartment. He probably also felt I had an identity crisis with three names!
What was going on on this day of my life? Well, I can tell you! On August 24, 1999, I went for an interview to be a telemarketer! I was hired!
Apparently the job was short lived and I was let go. I didn’t sell anything. Sigh.
I would end it with the guy I was with in February 2000. I would leave him and go back to my parents house. I pretty much pack and left him with a U-haul truck and two male friends I knew from childhood while he went to work. It’s possible he was still at the furniture store with the new owners. I can’t recall.
For a short period of time I was traveling from my parents all the way back to Bucks County to work. It was a hike for a job of little money. My parents told me as long as I was living with them, I was to go back to school. I began looking for schools. I was hoping to be transfered to a local Dennys near my parents house. That idea didn’t end so well, as the Denny’s I was working was corporate and the one near my parents house was franchise. My last entry for Denny’s was in my 2000-2001 planner and it was February 16, 2000. I expanded my schedule for the clubs the following month.
In total, I worked at Denny’s for about 7 months. Being hired in July 1999 and left February 2000.
MY SPIRITUAL PATH: PEBBLE HILL
I have written the first time I had attended Pebble Hill Interfaith Community. Although I do recall attending the Circle of Miracles before attending Pebble, I did not write it down. It may have been the week before. I found these places from a local creating community and Natural Awakening guides. I felt blessed to have found these types of communities in the area. Over the years, they are actually a dime a dozen and not very many are like Pebble Hill. I believe attending these places were a part of a New Years resolution.
I did injured myself at Denny’s while being a human dishwasher. The dirty dishes are stacked under the shelf of the counter. I bent down wrong without bending my knees and there, I gave myself I nice injury that I tried to stick it out during the rest of the shift. It hurt every time I moved a certain way. Going to Pebble, I was also in search of a healer. I recall sitting in the front when they asked for anyone seeking healer and everyone would send reiki energy towards us. This injury effected my breathing. I had difficulty sleeping and would try sitting up. It was not a pleasant experience.
My back would eventually improve over time with combination of having guys from work to work on my back as well. I can’t say it made a complete healing but it was nothing like that first few weeks.
I would attend Pebble Hill for some time weekly until a point was reached that I had to stop, basically because of school and it was too much of a hike traveling. To get there from my parents house is about an hour and half driving and from Philadelphia would be a little over an hour.
RADIO, PLAY MY FAVORITE BAND
I first heard about a signing that was happening locally on a radio station. I’ve probably been a fan for about 5 years. I never went to a show. I did not want to go to a show. I did but I didn’t. I just wanted to see the man in person. My whole idea when I heard about the signing is: If I were to see him in person, I might get over him and let it go! I might not want him anymore if I seen him in person. Sounded like a plan to me! I never had such an interest with a celebrity before. Just him! Now, I want to try and end it.
The radio station mentioned about making a sign promoting the station to go in front of the line. GREAT! Let me make a sign so I don’t have to waste my entire day standing in line. I never done it before so I haven’t a clue what to expect. It’s a rock station. I’m gonna use my guitar as a prop for my sign. I’m short. How does the crowd of people stand around waiting? Single file? Bunch together like sardines? I want them to see me and the sign, jump in front, look at this man in the eyes and be gone with my celebrity crush so I can go about my day and my life. If everyone around me is tall, how will I get noticed? My plan: I’ll strap my guitar to my back and use a board on top of the guitar, with the words WYSP Rocks in big letters. I believe the board was hot pink. Im going to go so far as to even use a balloon and tie it to the guitar case. I don’t know what to expect. I never done this.
They had a new album put out in 2000, leap year, February 29, 2000. I would purchase the album the night before the schedule signing in Philadelphia at what was Tower Records, a music store. I purchased the album at a local Buy-Sell-Trade store called Tunes.
March 1 2000
The day arrived and I went to the signing. I was moved to front of the line. Yay! There stood next to me some screaming girls. Ahhhh. Oh my God! There he is!! I just stood there listening. I’m thinking. He’s just a man why are they acting like that? Well, I just want to see him up close.
“Oh, by the way, he’s not signing instruments. You’ll have to keep it in the bag.” Hmmm. Ok. It wasn’t what I had planned, but thanks! It’s just a prop, a part of my sign. The station that ROCKS! Some people just don’t get it. “Have anything for them to sign?” “Uh, no.” I just wanted to see him in person. I don’t care about autographs. What the hell do I do with that shit? So, they hand me a piece of cardboard. It was basically the album cover artwork. Promotion stuff.
Finally, I make my way. Went down the line. He looked at me. I looked right at him. He looked at my balloon smiled back at me. sign the damn cardboard and I was being pushed away.
What did I learn that day? That I really loved. This ‘thing” isn’t going away. In fact, what I hoped to have disappeared after seeing him in person, only made it worse.
HOW DO I LOVE THEE, LET ME COUNT THE WAYS
How do I know I love him? Let’s phrase what it’s like, this “thing”. Why don’t I feel the same towards another celebrity? Why don’t I feel drawn to Richard Marx or Bryan Adams or Luke Perry or Brandon Priestly from the TV show 90210? I thought Brandon was the cutest out of the both of them but I never felt so drawn towards him, or that he lingers in my mind all the time. Why can’t I be drawn to that guy Joe or Donnie from New Kids on the Block (or the other members from that group I can’t think any of their names). They just never “stuck” to me like Billy Corgan did/does. Not even Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt or that guy from Bush or Kurt! Or ok, I guess you get the point. It was like BOOM yeah, that’s the one I like! Not those other clowns my friends drooled over. Where were you when I was 15 so I could have had you all over my walls? Why couldn’t I have found him with Gish or Siamese Dream? Well, I found him now. How long will my new celebrity “crush” last? Still ticking after over 20 years.
How do I know I love him? Constantly having thoughts of this man. Seeing him in pictures and being so happily drawn to him with a peaceful content heart looking into his eyes. Something about him is familiar but still no words to describe what exactly. It was an “I don’t know, I just love him” I never felt like I had to talk about him all the time. It’s just him in my mind. Somehow in my mind I think everyone knew anyway. I bet the entire world just “knows” but I’m keeping it to myself and listen to his music and wear a T-shirt because I wear my heart on my sleeve.
Sometimes hearing their voice instead of your own when you read something. Listening to his music and singing along is peaceful and pleasant and I’m in such a better mood if I had a crappy experience that just happened to me, no matter how sad or pissed off the content of the lyrics are. Reading articles about him and fully understand him. Listening to music he likes and end up liking as well. Listening to other people’s music only to still have thoughts of him or that’s he’s also there inside you and you’re both listening to the same music as one being.
How do I know I love him? Dating is a bitch. It’s great to get distracted when you finally do find someone else who interest you, instead of your celebrity “crush”. I think many may have just “knew” but blew it off. I don’t think others had the words for it either. It was the unspoken “thing”. Do not insult him, unless you want an argument with me. In time, one concludes this must be an obsession. The constant thought of him must be a sign of obsession so I’m play it cool. I shall stay away from him. I’ll love him from a distance. I’m afraid of what I might do to him if ever I had a chance. Staying away seems the best answer. Maybe this will all go away anyway. Soon I’ll find another band I’ll love even more and this will end up being a faze.
How do I know I love him? Years go by. He still hasn’t left my system. I’ve been in and out of a few relationships. Somehow he’s still the one I carry more in my heart. I see or hear him, and I’m just in that peace state again. His music keeps my sanity. I’m happy. All I knew is, that I loved him! Why him? I haven’t the slightest idea why but I just did. I loved all his work and everything about him. I guess you could say, when I hear his music, it felt like home.