Oct 14th 2004

As I was aware that I was getting older and recently turned 28 in 2004, that I still continuously appreciated my one favorite celebrity/person, as I defined it in my mind, in my heart and I thought, what the hell, let’s go crazy this year! I’ve only been to one show! ONE SHOW!!! What’s wrong with me? I need to see him!

Billy was touring with his poetry book, Blinking with Fists. But, he wasn’t going to be in my immediate area. He was going to The big city, New York and the Capitol of our nation, but not to my area. In DC he was doing a show and in New York City, it was only for a book signing. I was still living in Philadelphia, and I took the train from Philadelphia to both places.

The book signing in New York was three days before his stage show in D.C. I was in my elaborate fashion phase. I decided to get rid of all my boring blue jeans and stopped being a human billboard with my shirts. I was wearing nicer things, because, why not? I have a collection of fancy hats as well. I wore I guess you can call business casual and wearing a brown hat. I headed towards the big apple.

I remember one of my instructions from school who made a comment about my new hat style. He thought they were a “nice prop.” It was cute compliment. Hats put on a finishing touch. It’s sad they still don’t make a complete comeback.

Well, there I was in New York City. I spent a portion of the day walking around and other stuff. I found the artist Alex Gray museum. I decided to go in and check it out. Of course being dressed nice, I guess I look like someone of importance. The woman at the desk asked if I was there to see Alex. I should have said yes! I said No. Well, it wouldn’t have been polite to say yes anyway. What would I say to him? “Hi, uh, I didn’t have an actual appointment, but this nice lady asked me if I was there to see you so, I said yes anyway.”

Eventually, I reached the long line. I didn’t know what to expect! I didn’t hear of anything about cutting in front of the line thing like the Machina tour signing I attended to over 4 years before this.

As before. I just wanted to see him in person! I didn’t care about his signature. Also, like my first previous in person book signing, I wanted to know if I seen him again in person, would I still want him? Did I get over my one celebrity crush yet? Maybe I can move on after this.

Eventually, I reached him. The first time I said nothing and this time I’m trying to say a word because I know I need to speak to him. When will I get another opportunity? The words I uttered out might have been something lame like “long line”. I can’t remember. Too much time has passed, at least I spoke! Yay me!

I remember leaving thinking!. I just love him!


Oct 17 2004

I took the train to DC and watched his poetry reading. He was mean towards me. He would ask for volunteers to read from his book. I would raise my hand. He would point in my direction and would say, no, not the lady in the hat, the guy next to you. Oh. That was not nice. Hey, I was at least known as the lady with the hat.


October 23 2004

I did not go see him on this day, but apparently Billy had gotten laryngitis. It is noted in this article from Integral Institute. He was scheduled to do a live recording, but he couldn’t speak. Knowing now what I know about being his Twin Flame, I wonder if it had anything to do with it. The man got sick, probably because he didn’t choose me at the D.C. show.

I don’t recall if I actually heard any of these audio files during this time period. I’m most certain that I haven’t. I don’t know who this woman that toured with him either. If it is true that it was attempted that they tried to claim a Twin Flame connection, well, it says it right there in that article above. A kind of karmic divine Union and he also developed laryngitis. So, if they did try to, perhaps it was the sources way saying, “QUIET! you’re not speaking truth. I’m bringing your divine other to you again.” So, in my little analysis, I can see this being what it is.


Oct 29 2004

Since Billy was cruel and disrespectful towards me at his D.C. show, I thought I should catch him in Chicago one more time during this poetry tour.

During this time, I was contemplating wither or not to continue with a higher degree of education. I was receiving a BS in Digital Media Production. I heard about The School at the Art Institute of Chicago and I was wondering since I went to the Art Institute of Philadelphia, perhaps I could continue with a Masters or stay local at another University. It was a toss up. I also know my Love was still doing his tour with his book. I decided let’s check out the school AND see my Love again, if possible. I flew out for the weekend. I checked out the Sky Deck. Got some city T shirts and sweaters. I still have them. The sweaters are warm and comfy but starting to show wear after 15 years of having them! Great quality sweaters!

I toured the school surprised that it wasn’t too nice of a looking school but I loved the way they presented the degree. I can make my own degree. It was pretty cool. I didn’t make that leap though. I also thought, I’m gonna be in so much more debt. So I never went through with it. Even though they would have took my credits. Maybe it was for the best that I didn’t go.

I stood in the line in Chicago. I remember thinking to myself “Ok, I think this could be classified as certified obsessed!” Because I felt this way, I didn’t go to the school. I believe in our non celebrity Twin Flame world, this is the Stalker Syndrome. I went to one live music show and 2, now 3 book signings with a Poetry performance and I’ve been a fan for 9 years and I’m calling myself obsessed!

With his poetry book, I felt kinda sad for him. Here he seemed to have loved this woman and published this book of sad poetry and reading all his heartfelt stories. What’s also amusing is that he got her to create the artwork. At least they are being friends?

I remembered reading about how he wasn’t feeling too well, as with the image from the Integral Institute above. My mind was thinking that I wanted to bring him soup! No, talk about obsessive! Instead, I bought him some roses! I believe it was a half dozen because I felt an entire dozen is a little desperate and obsessive. I wanted to show him I still loved and appreciated him. I was on my mystic journey and so, I just wanted to show I loved him for who he is! A thank you. Sad he lost his love, but I thought he was wonderful. I don’t know if anyone else got him anything but I gave him some roses, I suppose. I concluded, I think I’m obsessed and need some years away from him! This love I feel, may be on the “smothering” type. Actually, I didn’t know what it was, but I took it more as “I have much respect for you above anyone else in the world. I don’t know why but I do”. I even went to see my favorite book author some time before this, I’m thinking 2002. I don’t feel that same way towards him like I do Billy Corgan, because BILLY CORGAN!!

I had the same book he signed in New York, I didn’t buy another. I wasn’t sure how they would have felt with me having two signatures of his on one item, so I flipped the dust cover with the book upside down.

I did manage to say something to Billy as I went up to him. While standing in the long line through the Barns and Noble book store that went through the book store, we were to past the film section and there, I seen the book my instructor and his business partner put together and I helped with. So, I picked it up and carried it along with me. I handed my roses to the woman at the one end of the table he was at because I wasn’t allowed to give them to him myself. As he was signing I told him he should be asking for my autograph because I helped with a book. I can’t recall what he did, maybe nodded because he was ill. I also don’t remember what I did with the book, leave it there or put it back, I know I didn’t leave with it. If I left it at his table, well, who knows.

Years later, while in the fan community, I learned that there was a competition to edit a music video of theirs from their 2007 studio album Zeitgeist, the song called Tarantula. How did I miss that? It also made me wonder…..