FAREWELL AND GOODBYE
In June of 1995 I ended my relationship with my first boyfriend that lasted 2 years (too long, as I use to say). I just graduated high school and was quickly learning who my friends really were and who he was. My first boyfriend was 6 years older then I was. I thought it was an ok age difference because I had 2 brothers ten and nine years older. In my mind he was like a missing brother in between me and them. I wasn’t thinking about the legal adult age and how he can legally drink and buy alcohol being 22. I didn’t drink nor smoked so I didn’t care about that. I was thinking he’s younger than my brothers, so this seems ok and not a red flag . Maybe I was naive to think that way, but that’s what I was thinking, not that he could have been a predator.
The moments before I ended it with him, I began learning a few things about him. One, he forced himself on one of my friends and of course he denied it and Two, his hidden drug use. Once I ended it with him, I never went back. There was no sex with the ex or anything. Oh I did give in to the goodbye sex, which made no sense to me. Do people really think that if they try giving you good sex “one last time” that someone might stick around longer? We had sex for the past two years, what would make this one any different? It didn’t work for me, sorry. He did try to get me back, but I preserved onwards and never looked back.
SHAKE YOUR BOOTY
I tired dancing in August of 1995. I was working day shift in the nudie bar. I was still 18. I was there Monday to Friday for my first week. On that Friday it would be my last for the rest of that year. That first ex walked into the club I was at and he was horrified at what he seen and went and called my parents from the pay phone outside.
In short, my car was taken away from me for the rest of summer, but I was continuing with my vocational drama class as post secondary student so, my car had to eventually be given back to me to go to school. I was allowed to use my car to go to school and look for a job.
Eventually, I found a job at a convenience store that’s about a half hour away (17 miles) from my parents house. Oh, I was deliberately planning on returning back to the club, that’s why I found a place far away. Soon, I would find my honey while driving in my car.
WHEN AND HOW I FOUND THEE
It was sometime around October 1995 when I “found” Billy Corgan. The song that led me to him was Bullet with Butterfly Wings. Yes, that song that starts off with “The World is a Vampire”. The songs released date is October 24, 1995. I just turned 19 on the third of October that month.
I was most likely driving in my car, probably to and from school and/or work. It was something about the song that drew me in. I would scan the radio stations to find it again and again in hopes to hear the name of the artist and of course to listen to my new song addiction. I had no knowledge of Twin Flames nor Soulmates back then. Eventually, I would find the band and purchase the album.
I had no idea who Billy Corgan was nor what he even looked liked. I was drawn to the music and his voice before I even seen his body and facial features. Everything about the music had a different feel for me then all the other music on the radio. I don’t recall feeling this way with Paula Abdul or the Bangles or Richard Marx, or Bryan Adams or The Beach Boys or the many other artist that I liked. I would consider myself a casual music listener because I did have a variety of music that I listened to.
Paula Abdul was considered one of my favorite artist back when I was a teenager. I believe I became a fan of hers when her song Straight Up came out. I was 12 when the song was released on November 22, 1988. I became so much of a fan that someone tried starting a rumor in high school about me being gay, because of it. When I was 15, I had posters of her on my wall and not pictures like lame boy bands New Kids on the Block. I think I only tolerated them for one week before I said, nope. I do not like. (It was a interesting week because my friends embraced my fandom. I got a copy of their music video, and I think it was carnival week so I “won” a poster as well. After my week adventure of being a NKOTB fan, the said poster became target practice of rubber bands when none of my friends were over. Also, I was respectful of my parents house so, no darts.) I knew I wasn’t gay. I did not feel drawn towards her in that way. Also another factor was that I didn’t have a boyfriend, nor did I have an actual interest in boys and I wasn’t boy crazy like everyone I knew. So, apparently I was now being labeled as gay.
The energy with the Smashing Pumpkins was most definitely different from my previous musical taste and I found them on my own, alone, driving in my car. No one “introduced” me to them but the radio.
Radio, play my favorite song. Radio. – I Of The Morning from the album Machina.
I may not have known what Billy Corgan looked liked at first, but it wasn’t until I began this entire Twin Flame Mirror journey that I started to see everything between us, even in my past relationships. Initially I was first drawn to him with his voice and music, not by what he looked liked. Even after I got the album Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, I couldn’t tell you who was who and who play what instrument nor who sung the songs. I noticed there was one female so, I knew she wasn’t the main singer. That band photograph didn’t do much for me in that department. Yet, I was drawn to the one person. I didn’t know if it’s because the space between him and the other three that made him stand out, or the black and silver clothing, but I would still go about my life and listen to the entire album anyway. I was sucked in. This band just grasped me. I was also excited to have finally “found” a favorite band though. It wasn’t until a little later that I noticed hey, I believe I love this man or something.
Here are some important synchronicities I would not find out until I began this tearing apart on the Twin Flame path. In some ways, I’m happy to have learned to much.
Not only was this relationship significant, but so would be my next one.
I began working at a convenience store around this time as well. If I can find a date, I’ll update this page. 19/7/9 came out as a single on January 23, 1996. How exciting that I could listen to more songs on the radio even though I was already wearing out the CD. I wasn’t around cable to watch music videos. I really didn’t watch music videos to see him. It took me some time before I could watch music videos, my parents didn’t have cable. I may not have seen 19/7/9 until 2000, when I purchased the greatest hits DVD. I would not make any association with synchronicities until I became aware of being a Twin Flame, and boy, are there many.
19/7/9 music video was really on a linear timeline. There was a male figure in the music video that could have been my first ex as well. There was so much that, I couldn’t put it all on the collage. I may even stretch it further because of the doppelgänger, Billy representing Mike in this music video. Billy wasn’t driving. I was nearly 2 years older than Mike and I drove us everywhere. I believe I even helped him get a license because his family was poor. I can’t recall if I did or not but I was the one with the car. He didn’t have one when we were together.
Actually, Billy is both of them. Tom didn’t have a car either. I drove him around in my car. He could be a merging of both of them in this music video by being driven around.
I really liked the album because of the variety of music. There were fast songs. Slow Songs, instrumental piano piece that began the entire listening experience, I guess I can say. The album was a double disk, so it was very long. But I listened to it, all in order, never skipping a song.
This was my first album from the Smashing Pumpkins and already they had a special place on my music shelf. Eventually, I would pick up another album from them. I believe I gotten Siamese Dream. Boom, another album taking me in. I think I was annoying my new boyfriend, Mike at the time with them always on in my car, and LOUD. I believe one time he gotten me a gift, a CD. The CD was from the band Bush, and I really didn’t like them so much. They just didn’t click for me like the Smashing Pumpkins. I was done and gone with the Smashing Pumpkins.
Siamese Dream didn’t have a photograph of the band either. I can’t recall when I finally figured out who the members were and who Billy Corgan was. I mean, I can read who wrote and performed the music but placing the name to the face was a task in itself. “Who’s this man in relation to the band?” The albums weren’t much help when it came to who was who. It was a slow process in figuring that out. It wasn’t about the person in the beginning because I was all over the music and my own identification was that I was a fan, not some Soulmate. I believe I seen a magazine cover and read the article or something of that nature and I was kind of relieved that the person I was being drawn to was him because I was also drawn to his voice. “It’s the same person. The voice goes with this body.” Wonderful! A newly bald head didn’t phase me. I already accepted him.
Billy Corgan was already a part of me and how I identified him and it was more like a hey, I recognize you type of acknowledgment. I wasn’t drooling all over his pictures like a dog in heat. I wasn’t just attracted to the band because I thought the members were “hot”, like my friends with New Kids on the Block. In my mind, that music is crap and I don’t care how “hot” you perceive the members.
I know I loved Billy Corgan somehow, even if I didn’t know the words or what I was feeling. I only identified him as my favorite artist and therefore, I’m a huge fan of his work. Released the day after my fathers 51st birthday on August 24, 1999, the song Billy Corgan written with Natalie Imbruglia singing from the movie Stigmata takes a whole new meaning for me.
If it’s me you want,
Standing by your side
These tears of mine,
Am I lonely? Or am I just alive?
But I started seeing someone at this time and I moved in with him. I would leave and go back to my parents house February of 2000. Perhaps Billy Corgan unconsciously picked up on me being with someone else? I had found posters and placed them up on my walls of my apartments. I found two big posters back then and maybe three regular sized ones. I had a Tonight, Tonight poster and one with the three of them after Jimmy was removed from the band from drug overdosed. There were many times I would just gazed into his eyes in both of them. They were really nice sized posters to just gaze into his eyes. I would just look right into them. I wouldn’t “notice” the other human figures or objects, just this love and admiration, if that’s what it was that I was feeling. There was nothing sexual about it. I wasn’t or haven’t masterbated looking at his pictures nor fantasize sex with him. I would just look at him and I was content and peaceful. I had other celebrity posters/pictures on my walls as a teenager, but this was different. I didn’t just post the posters on my walls for the sake of proving that I wasn’t gay to the friends who may show up or to display how desperate I was or boy crazy. This was the band that I felt drawn to, especially, Billy Corgan.
I would not see James or D’arcy in this image. My eyes would just go straight to Billy. It was like that for anytime I seen a picture of him.
Your eyes, they send me
Your heart may cast me down,
But lately its your love,
It’s condemnation enough
Did he pick up on me being with someone else? I believe I ended up living with him for 6 months. This is the guy I got my cats from.
And let time, to say
Who and why we stand
it’s test of love,
Your hands were speaking “no”
I felt the movement go
The ice was breaking,
I wonder why
Identify with you
Leave me empty and see if I survive
The ice was breaking so. Did he feel my love? Leaving him empty because now I was with someone else in the physical world.
GUITAR AND VOICE
Back tracking a bit to 1996. Well, here I was with a favorite band. A favorite artist. A male celebrity that I felt attracted towards when I couldn’t find any of those “crushes” in my teenage years like all my other friends. I think I feel “normal” now. But the thing is, I’m now out of high school. I don’t have book covers to doodle on with my favorite band logo. I don’t have book covers with images of my favorite band. I missed that bus. “I found a male celebrity that I’m crushing on everybody! See, I’m not gay!” Oh well.
I would go back dancing in April of 1996 after my first attempt in August of 1995. Mike ended up going to boot camp with the National Guard that summer so, it was just me and my growing Billy Corgan love affair. It wasn’t until he came back and I broke it off with him because I cheated while he was away and I couldn’t stay with someone after I was with someone else. It felt wrong because if I cheated, I must not love him, is how I thought. Soon I would be kicked out of the house because my family figured out that I went back dancing, I ended up staying with the guy I cheated on Mike with for about a month, until I had enough to get my own place. I didn’t feel comfortable staying there like how I was staying there. I found my first apartment through the club I was working. They had “connections”.
Now that I was on my own and in my own space, I needed something to do. I began by doing puzzles and most likely listening to my favorite band while doing them. I would begin to work at other clubs and I was able to dance to my favorite band, It didn’t matter if it was them or another band, all of a sudden I had an interest in playing the guitar. I knew I had an interest in singing as a teenager because I would lip sing but I knew I was doing that because I was uncomfortable with my own voice. I would eventually soon find a vocal and guitar teacher. I believe I went for voice first because I already had an interest in acting and to use voice would expand on that with musical theater. Probably within the same month, I purchased my first guitar and asked to learn guitar. But the thing is for me, as much as I loved my favorite band, I for some reason, didn’t want to learn any of their music. Strange isn’t it?
Is it bright where you are
Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you’re so strange
And in your darkest hour
I hold secrets flame
We can watch the world devoured in it’s pain
I do find these interesting. Motion Pictures. It’s probably referring to the pictures being in energetic motion for me and him, and other Twin Flame connections.
MY FIRST CONCERT
The very first concert I went to was Marilyn Manson. I was 22. I met a man who invited me to go with him and a group of his friends. They were renting a Limo to pick them up and drop them off. I said, sure I’ll go. Sounds like fun. When we arrived I noticed a man out front that was a Bible protester. I wanted to debate with him but I couldn’t because my group would had left me behind. Maybe another day I’ll debate with someone. This was my first concert.
I never was invited to a show. My family never took me to one. Even when they knew I was a fan of Paula Abdul as a teenager, my parents never mentioned to take me to a show. My older brothers never took me to a show. I had friends that would tell me they seen concerts but never asked me if I wanted to tag along. No friends made plans with me to even ask my parents if they could buy me tickets. Nothing until this moment in time.
The seats we had was nothing special. We sat so far away. I felt I needed binoculars to see the stage. I think there was a point where I got up and walked around. Maybe I’ll find a bible preaching protester to debate with. I would only walk around for so long before heading back to the group because they were my ride back. It wasn’t until almost a year later that I would see Billy Corgan face to face.
RADIO, PLAY MY FAVORITE BAND
I first heard about a signing that was happening locally on a radio station. I’ve probably been a fan for about 5 years. I never went to a show. I did not want to go to a show. I did but I didn’t. I just wanted to see the man in person. My whole idea when I heard about the signing is: If I were to see him in person, I might get over him and let it go! I might not want him anymore if I seen him in person. Sounded like a plan to me! I never had such an interest with a celebrity before. Just him! Now, I want to try and end it.
The radio station mentioned about making a sign promoting the station to go in front of the line. GREAT! Let me make a sign so I don’t have to waste my entire day standing in line. I never done it before so I haven’t a clue what to expect. It’s a rock station. I’m gonna use my guitar as a prop for my sign. I’m short. How does the crowd of people stand around waiting? Single file? Bunch together like sardines? I want them to see me and the sign, jump in front, look at this man in the eyes and be gone with my celebrity crush so I can go about my day and my life. If everyone around me is tall, how will I get noticed? My plan: I’ll strap my guitar to my back and use a board on top of the guitar, with the words WYSP Rocks in big letters. I believe the board was hot pink. Im going to go so far as to even use a balloon and tie it to the guitar case. I don’t know what to expect. I never done this.
HOW DO I LOVE THEE, LET ME COUNT THE WAYS
How do I know I love him? Let’s phrase what it’s like, this “thing”. Why don’t I feel the same towards another celebrity? Why don’t I feel drawn to Richard Marx or Bryan Adams or Luke Perry or Brandon Priestly from the TV show 90210? I thought Brandon was the cutest out of the both of them but I never felt so drawn towards him, or that he lingers in my mind all the time. Why can’t I be drawn to that guy Joe or Donnie from New Kids on the Block (or the other members from that group I can’t think any of their names). They just never “stuck” to me like Billy Corgan did/does. It was like BOOM yeah, that’s the one I like! Not those other clowns my friends drooled over. Where were you when I was 15 so I could have had you all over my walls? Well, I found him now. Now, how long will my new celebrity “crush” last?
How do I know I love him? Constantly having thoughts of this man. Seeing him in pictures and being so happily drawn to him with a peaceful content heart looking into his eyes. Something about him is familiar but still no words to describe what exactly. It was an “I don’t know, I just love him” I never felt like I had to talk about him all the time. It’s just him in my mind. Somehow in my mind I think everyone knew anyway. I bet the entire world just “knows” but I’m keeping it to myself and listen to his music and wear a T-shirt because I wear my heart on my sleeve.
Sometimes hearing their voice instead of your own when you read something. Listening to his music and singing along is peaceful and pleasant and I’m in such a better mood if I had a crappy experience that just happened to me, no matter how sad or pissed off the content of the lyrics are. Reading articles about him and fully understand him. Listening to music he likes and end up liking as well. Listening to other people’s music only to still have thoughts of him or that’s he’s also there inside you and you’re both listening to the same music as one being.
How do I know I love him? Dating is a bitch. It’s great to get distracted when you finally do find someone else who interest you, instead of your celebrity “crush”. I think many may have just “knew” but blew it off. I don’t think others had the words for it either. It was the unspoken “thing”. Do not insult him, unless you want an argument with me. In time, one concludes this must be an obsession. The constant thought of him must be a sign of obsession so I’m play it cool. I shall stay away from him. I’ll love him from a distance. I’m afraid of what I might do to him if ever I had a chance. Staying away seems the best answer. Maybe this will all go away anyway. Soon I’ll find another band I’ll love even more and this will end up being a faze.
How do I know I love him? Years go by. He still hasn’t left my system. I’ve been in and out of a few relationships. Somehow he’s still the one I carry more in my heart. I see or hear him, and I’m just in that peace state again. His music keeps my sanity. I’m happy. All I knew is, that I loved him! Why him? I haven’t the slightest idea why but I just did. I loved all his work and everything about him. I guess you could say, when I hear his music, it felt like home.
They had a new album put out in 2000, leap year, February 29, 2000. I would purchase the album the night before the schedule signing in Philadelphia at what was Tower Records, a music store. I purchased the album at a local Buy-Sell-Trade store called Tunes.
March 1 2000
The day arrived and I went to the signing. I was moved to front of the line. Yay! There stood next to me some screaming girls. Ahhhh. Oh my God! There he is!! I just stood there listening. I’m thinking. He’s just a man why are they acting like that? Well, I just want to see him up close.
“Oh, by the way, he’s not signing instruments. You’ll have to keep it in the bag.” Hmmm. Ok. It wasn’t what I had planned, but thanks! It’s just a prop, a part of my sign. The station that ROCKS! Some people just don’t get it. “Have anything for them to sign?” “Uh, no.” I just wanted to see him in person. I don’t care about autographs. What the hell do I do with that shit? So, they hand me a piece of cardboard. It was basically the album cover artwork. Promotion stuff.
Finally, I make my way. Went down the line. He looked at me. I looked right at him. He looked at my balloon smiled back at me. sign the damn cardboard and I was being pushed away.
What did I learn that day? That I really loved. This ‘thing” isn’t going away. In fact, what I hoped to have disappeared after seeing him in person, only made it worse.