The very first concert I went to was Marilyn Manson. I was 22. I met a man who invited me to go with him and a group of his friends. They were renting a Limo to pick them up and drop them off. I said, sure I’ll go. Sounds like fun. When we arrived I noticed a man out front that was a Bible protester. I wanted to debate with him but I couldn’t because my group would had left me behind. Maybe another day I’ll debate with someone. This was my first concert.

I never was invited to a show. My family never took me to one. Even when they knew I was a fan of Paula Abdul as a teenager, my parents never mentioned to take me to a show. My older brothers never took me to a show. I had friends that would tell me they seen concerts but never asked me if I wanted to tag along. No friends made plans with me to even ask my parents if they could buy me tickets. Nothing until this moment in time.

The seats we had was nothing special. We sat so far away. I felt I needed binoculars to see the stage. I think there was a point where I got up and walked around. Maybe I’ll find a bible preaching protester to debate with. I would only walk around for so long before heading back to the group because they were my ride back. It wasn’t until almost a year later that I would see Billy Corgan face to face.


I first heard about a signing that was happening locally on a radio station. I’ve probably been a fan for about 5 years. I never went to a show. I did not want to go to a show. I did but I didn’t. I just wanted to see the man in person. My whole idea when I heard about the signing is: If I were to see him in person, I might get over him and let it go! I might not want him anymore if I seen him in person. Sounded like a plan to me! I never had such an interest with a celebrity before. Just him! Now, I want to try and end it.

The radio station mentioned about making a sign promoting the station to go in front of the line. GREAT! Let me make a sign so I don’t have to waste my entire day standing in line. I never done it before so I haven’t a clue what to expect. It’s a rock station. I’m gonna use my guitar as a prop for my sign. I’m short. How does the crowd of people stand around waiting? Single file? Bunch together like sardines? I want them to see me and the sign, jump in front, look at this man in the eyes and be gone with my celebrity crush so I can go about my day and my life. If everyone around me is tall, how will I get noticed? My plan: I’ll strap my guitar to my back and use a board on top of the guitar, with the words WYSP Rocks in big letters. I believe the board was hot pink. Im going to go so far as to even use a balloon and tie it to the guitar case. I don’t know what to expect. I never done this.


How do I know I love him? Let’s phrase what it’s like, this “thing”. Why don’t I feel the same towards another celebrity? Why don’t I feel drawn to Richard Marx or Bryan Adams or Luke Perry or Brandon Priestly from the TV show 90210? I thought Brandon was the cutest out of the both of them but I never felt so drawn towards him, or that he lingers in my mind all the time. Why can’t I be drawn to that guy Joe or Donnie from New Kids on the Block (or the other members from that group I can’t think any of their names). They just never “stuck” to me like Billy Corgan did/does. It was like BOOM yeah, that’s the one I like! Not those other clowns my friends drooled over. Where were you when I was 15 so I could have had you all over my walls? Well, I found him now. Now, how long will my new celebrity “crush” last?

How do I know I love him? Constantly having thoughts of this man. Seeing him in pictures and being so happily drawn to him with a peaceful content heart looking into his eyes. Something about him is familiar but still no words to describe what exactly. It was an “I don’t know, I just love him” I never felt like I had to talk about him all the time. It’s just him in my mind. Somehow in my mind I think everyone knew anyway. I bet the entire world just “knows” but I’m keeping it to myself and listen to his music and wear a T-shirt because I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Sometimes hearing their voice instead of your own when you read something. Listening to his music and singing along is peaceful and pleasant and I’m in such a better mood if I had a crappy experience that just happened to me, no matter how sad or pissed off the content of the lyrics are. Reading articles about him and fully understand him. Listening to music he likes and end up liking as well. Listening to other people’s music only to still have thoughts of him or that’s he’s also there inside you and you’re both listening to the same music as one being.

How do I know I love him? Dating is a bitch. It’s great to get distracted when you finally do find someone else who interest you, instead of your celebrity “crush”. I think many may have just “knew” but blew it off. I don’t think others had the words for it either. It was the unspoken “thing”. Do not insult him, unless you want an argument with me. In time, one concludes this must be an obsession. The constant thought of him must be a sign of obsession so I’m play it cool. I shall stay away from him. I’ll love him from a distance. I’m afraid of what I might do to him if ever I had a chance. Staying away seems the best answer. Maybe this will all go away anyway. Soon I’ll find another band I’ll love even more and this will end up being a faze.

How do I know I love him? Years go by. He still hasn’t left my system. I’ve been in and out of a few relationships. Somehow he’s still the one I carry more in my heart. I see or hear him, and I’m just in that peace state again. His music keeps my sanity. I’m happy. All I knew is, that I loved him! Why him? I haven’t the slightest idea why but I just did. I loved all his work and everything about him. I guess you could say, when I hear his music, it felt like home.


They had a new album put out in 2000, leap year, February 29, 2000. I would purchase the album the night before the schedule signing in Philadelphia at what was Tower Records, a music store. I purchased the album at a local Buy-Sell-Trade store called Tunes.

March 1 2000

The day arrived and I went to the signing. I was moved to front of the line. Yay! There stood next to me some screaming girls. Ahhhh. Oh my God! There he is!! I just stood there listening. I’m thinking. He’s just a man why are they acting like that? Well, I just want to see him up close.

“Oh, by the way, he’s not signing instruments. You’ll have to keep it in the bag.” Hmmm. Ok. It wasn’t what I had planned, but thanks! It’s just a prop, a part of my sign. The station that ROCKS! Some people just don’t get it. “Have anything for them to sign?” “Uh, no.” I just wanted to see him in person. I don’t care about autographs. What the hell do I do with that shit? So, they hand me a piece of cardboard. It was basically the album cover artwork. Promotion stuff.

Finally, I make my way. Went down the line. He looked at me. I looked right at him. He looked at my balloon smiled back at me. sign the damn cardboard and I was being pushed away.

What did I learn that day? That I really loved. This ‘thing” isn’t going away. In fact, what I hoped to have disappeared after seeing him in person, only made it worse.