…..Maybe a Mental Disease

For those of you unaware: “I Don’t Believe in Love is a song title by the band Queensryche. As the title suggests, that’s how I felt when it came to romantic love. Yet, I grew up with parents who were wonderful role models for a love marriage. They have been together since February 26, 1966. They were high school sweethearts. Got married before high school graduation and also, when you do the math, had a son before high school graduation on June 7, 1966.

Why didn’t have that happen in my life? I never had a high school sweetheart. I mean, my first was older and out of school. Offers over the years for me was “so and so likes you.” Well, why don’t so and so approach me and not his friend? How do I know this isn’t some practical joke?

Why can’t I find someone for me? Am I cursed? A lack of feelings of love in my own heart for a companion? Eventually, I settled at 32 and had 2 children with a man but we never married and I can’t say I felt like it was someone I was “in love” with. We gotten along, he met my family and was well liked. My parents got along with his. Then one day I became pregnant before I thought about ending things and I thought, well, this must be it. I also don’t know how I’m going to manage now with my job as well. Being pregnant and a stripper usually don’t mix well. I have seen a few of these over the years but I didn’t want that to be me.

After living my life, now I’m supposed to believe in a Twin Flame? Let alone a soulmate. I know Billy Corgan had that belief through his song lyrics and I still loved him regardless of our conflicts on this subject. I did not hold that belief. I mean, the only thing I could probably understand about love was that I knew I loved him! I only seen myself as a fan though. I never put two and two together. “Hey Kim, this is love” when it came to him, I never fully considered it as being real love. He was more a figment to me. I mean, he was this rockstar and have groupies and all that other stuff. I didn’t want to be a groupie. I’m just going to keep this love inside my heart and find someone more practical and realistic.


I was skeptical of the whole “soulmate” concept for a long time. I was not one who goes around labeling every person I meet as a potential soulmate or twin flame, like I needed a “meaning” or title for each person I encountered. I disliked the women that claims “oh, I’m so in love with so-so he’s my soulmate” Then it’s like the same thing with 10 other guys. No, I was never like that! Not every person I set my eyes upon or thought of was cute or hot or was intimate with, did I considered a soul partner, a destiny. With so many people on this planet and my job, I found it hard to believe in “the one.” I still have my issues with calling someone a soulmate. Generally, I feel that many people like to use the word to describe a sexual relationship with someone more so than a platonic friendship or a child they given birth to.

This chapter will most likely be a difficult read for many. There will be topics that others may not want to hear, especially from me. I’d rather be honest though. If I end up with Billy Corgan or not, wouldn’t it be better that I’m upfront and honest NOW before the potential of hitting fame and conspiracy theorist or media outlets make click bait scandal headlines? Wouldn’t it be better I say, well, this is a part of my past and something might surface when people dig and talk? This is what’s up. Maybe I’ll get more haters for this chapter and my viewpoints.

Before I begin, I would also like to remind you and point out that love marriage as a whole has been rare in history anyway, as a book I have mentioned that I have read about, Marriage, a History by Stephanie Coontz. Overall, when you review history, nothing have I said or done is new, rather is very common and love marriage is very rare.

Also, this being a difficult write up in my own life, like admitting things all out in the open I never talked about in person, here, but typing about it on line for the entire world to read on a public blog. I have family and friends I never mentioned any of this, none of their business anyway, and now it’s being written LIVE as a free book on a Public Blog. I rarely kept a journal,. Is this what I’m supposed to do? Should I care? I know where I am at now. In my 20s I may have had a different viewpoint but I see that not so much from how others view things either. So perhaps sharing this part of my story can help others relate with similar experiences. To understand where I’m coming from. To understand how I know I have no desire to be with anyone less than.

Who knows where I’m going. There, or somewhere else? Ultimately ascension and healing is all that matters, correct? Than again, there was a time where I may have felt I was on that path. Give love to the world! Be open! Did that mean, make love to everyone? We are all one! The world should be having a love orgy! Is the best relationship 2 bisexual people in an open relationship? I want to exchange body fluids with many souls!

Where I’m at now as I type this, I’m 42 with 2 kids. I have been abstinence/celibate for over 3 years. In my 30s I was only with one man, my children’s father. In my 40s, no one thus far. In my 20s, an entire different story and thats where this chapter emerges.

Ever get sick and tired of having sex with people? That’s me. At the moment.

Let’s Back Up

I never turned back after I left the first man I was with. It was obvious to me after I left him, I wasn’t going to have that first man I was with I was going to marry like my mother. I was not destined to marry a high school sweetheart, as he was older than I anyway. I started to “play the field” and live my life single. Maybe I’ll find someone, eventually.

One day about 2 months after our break up, I would have been with a few others guys that were flings before I decided to become a stripper. I responded to an ad in a local paper and went for an audition. I wasn’t there for a week when my ex came in and seen me and called my parents and said “Guess where your daughters at?” Oh what a dog! I’m glad I left him! What is he doing here? I wonder how many other times he came into the club while we were together. Of course that doesn’t matter now, the focus is on me because I’m the one that needs to be saved, not the man that goes into strip clubs and pay to look at naked women, but he can play off that he’s sad and depressed since I left and filling a void by going to the club.

A few weeks passed and he did had to show up at my school the first day of class and try and win me over dressed in a Mickey Mouse costume, holding balloons and a card and stopped me as I pulled in the driveway. When I knew it was him, from seeing into the cheap costume eyes, I drove off and parked my car and went into the school and straight to my class. He tried to request I go see him from the office but I declined and he had to leave the property. Thank God!

I’ve been with a few other flings before my next boyfriend. It was a one night thing at first then a few months would pass before I seen him again and agreed to be in a companion relationship with him. He was ok when I went back dancing and I even spoiled him! His family was poor and I was making good money. His parents were open minded as well. But he went away for the military and I would be with someone else, so I cheated instead of waiting for him. It was only about 3 months he was away. I knew I must not have loved him because I wouldn’t had cheated. I broke it off with him.

He was one of my last companionship relationship, I guess I’ll call them, than I hit my 20s. I’ve realized that I would loose interest with men rather quickly. Infatuation for me seems to be the only way with relationships. Before I started school at the Art Institute I tinkered with the idea maybe I should make money doing this. Why not? My heart is dead. I can’t seem to find a real interest with anyone for a long period of time. Except for this damn “thing” for a celebrity that maybe I wait for it to run its course and hope it’ll fizzle. My interest in him was still consistent, as in the back of mind sort of way. I still labeled as nothing but my one celebrity crush, a fan girl. Everyone has them! I only had one. I know plenty of people have multiple celebrity crushes. I need to find someone realistic for a relationship that leads to marriage, but why can’t I keep my interest in anyone else? That’s it! I’m calling this number I found to try and be an escort.

Brief Encounter with being an Escort (first attempt)

By this time I was in my 3rd apartment and hopped over to Pennsylvania. I called a company that was located not far from where I was living at the time. Well, I learned the woman who owned it was also an Escort herself. It was her “company.” I never met anyone else in her company that ran out of her apartment. She was also Wiccan. Oh, impressive.

I began a little friendship with her and I went out on a few calls. I felt a little I don’t think I like this, but it was mostly because I felt I was worth more money then what was being paid to me. I can do this money at a club and I don’t need to have sex with them. This is dumb. She would offer me a job being a driver for her. Ok, I can do that.

What I would learn about her and the way she talked I felt myself get angry and if I were a man and dated her, I’d be abusive and slap her. This woman apparently had a boyfriend but her boyfriend didn’t know about her job. I have a whole opinion about that. If you’re going to sell yourself like this, end the relationship. You are cheating! Be single or be with someone who knows and is ok with this as a occupation, that’s how I felt.

I can not properly date when all of this happened, too much time has passed. Although I do remember when the guy I was staying with, his cat had my cats, I found the 2 sisters home from her. Her mom took them. I remember she told me the name of the one was Lucky and I was a bit horrified of the name. You poor thing! I want them back! I was told her mom was happy with them. Our correspondence fizzled and we just went our separate ways in life. It’s probably best after all, because being friends with someone you felt like you wanted to bitchslap doesn’t sound like a promising friendship.


When I lived in my 3rd apartment and before work, I was frequently eating at this Chinese buffet. The owner would love to talk to me. He may have been flirting. I wasn’t sure, but he could have been married. In our conversations he asked about what I did for a living and I told him I was a dancer. I don’t know if he understood, but one day, he was inviting me to move to China with him and I could get a job there dancing. Oh, that sounds like an adventure but I don’t think I’ll be going. I can hear my mother now over this one!

I know some cultures are different and it could have been just a friendly gesture and nothing sexual at all! I declined and I don’t think I ever went back to that Chinese buffet again.

When I lived with the guy in the trailer park

He wanted me to have sex with him and his male friend. He wanted to share me with his friend. So, we had a 3 some.


Soon, it would be me and Mr Corgan first meeting. I would leave the man living in a trailer back to my parents house. That first exploration happened before our first meeting. When I heard about a chance to see him up close, I was happy to orchestrate that into my life. I’ve been a fan for awhile and I don’t know why he still interested me. Maybe it’ll end when I meet him like what I’ve been experiencing with what would be my flings that go away. It’s been over 4 years and still my longest interest. I can’t say this with anyone else. My very brief interest in Richard Marx in my teenage years, nothing to write about though. Also anyone else I thought was “cute” he’d still take number one spot. This man still stands out to me. And there goes, my story of our first meeting.


Here is another time that I can’t exactly place. I met up with another Escorting service and they apparently had girls work in casinos. Oh, that sounds like an idea. I think we took separate cars and drop to a casino. I was told I was to sit at the bar and strike up conversations with men. This sounds like I could be an expert with me being a stripper. What happened? I walked out. I couldn’t do it. If I wanted to, I could just take home a guy from the clubs anyway.

Also I know my parents, family and friends go to them. Nope. Not for me. Maybe I can’t do it this way after all. Only do things for a good time?

My Experiences When I was in School and Living in Philadelphia

This was a most explorative time in my life. That first encounter with Escorting was minor. I was also vegan by this time. I became full vegan when I lived in my 2nd apartment. I could probably calculate it. I know when I ended I remembered it was 7 1/2 years. I ended it one month before I finished school. Perhaps I knew deep down that my Twin Flame still never caught on that path because I could not find anyone I wanted to be with. I would later see that he would boast about meat when I was Vegan. He was going against. So this was all unconscious stuff. I finished school in 2005. So, 1997, I became Vegan.

I was living the ultra spiritual life before it was popular. I have had those thoughts of sharing my love. Make love to someone, even for a night, like it was sexual healing, and maybe get paid for it. Perhaps it was only meant to last for a night or the brief relationships I had. Perhaps it was only meant to be friends with benefits and nothing more. Of course I did have my many absence phases as well. ‘I’m not in the mood to share love with everyone.’ I just want to put my headphones on and listen to my favorite artist and not be bothered.

During school, I’ve experienced swinging, polyamory/polygamy, more hook ups along with “I kissed a girl.” BDSM and yes, Escorting.

Swinging/Polygamy/kissed girls

While living in the city I would find a swing club and attended as a single woman. Single women get the best attention. You also have many admirers. There was a big room where “all the action” happened. Windows so watchers can watch. I would meet a few couples this way. I’ve also hooked up with said couples in the big room. Me being a sort of attention whore from being a stripper, would wave and do a tease for the ones watching.

At this particular club I would learn that the owner, I once worked with at a club. It was the first club that is no longer in existence and has been bulldozed and now a TacoBell sits in its place. The Fantasy Showbar, where my first name was given, Sierra. Also the club my ex “found me and told my parents.” This man was sort of a manager at the time. What a small world that I met him again!

I still have my membership card. The club has since shut down and here is an article about it.

Hot new South Street bar has a backstory, from Mafia hangout to sex club

When I was at this swingers club, there was a body paint artist. I gotten some work done. He loved that I was an empty canvas. Here are 2 pictures of his work.

There was another time while at this club that I met a married couple that lived a few blocks away from the club. I went back to their place and the woman wanted to pay me to have sex with her husband as a gift to him for Hanukkah. She wanted me to go over every night. I only did once, that night and I never went back. I guess I’m cruel.

Perhaps I never reached the status of a rockstar, but I sure lived like one, just without all of the lavish money and fame and media in your business.

There’s another swing club that opened since but I never went. I find it amusing that the club was open the years I was in school. I also may have had some subtle thought of hoping to “run into” Billy Corgan there around this time period. I mean, “bumping into” him in an environment as a swingers club would mean, I could have sex with him there and maybe I’ll stop thinking about him type of thing. Never mind the fact I now had a memory of him, in person plastered in my mind of him smiling at me like he thought I was cute sort of smile.


I had an incident with a manager in a club I worked at. He was cute, a lot of girls crushed on him, and I can’t remember what I said that led me to that situation. After the incident, I felt like the entire room shifted. I also learned that I’m not the type that can fuck my way up the corporate ladder and strip clubs don’t really have a corporate ladder, but that’s not the point. I can’t understand how there are people that can.


The Royal Castle

I cant properly place this on a timeline from my memory. I somehow came across an ad to being a Dominatrix/Switch. It was still Philadelphia and the building was on, 20th and Walnut/Chestnut?? It was across from a then Health Food Store, that I sometimes went to. You would have never know what this building was from the outside. Everything always has to be “discreet” and “hidden,” because you know, people just don’t know how to stay single and cheat with a kink, or let the blind keep living in their illusion for some stupid political/greed shit. I mean everything was open some less than 300 years ago for thousands of years.

A side note: that area changed. The Health Food Store is no longer there either.

This building is/was a dungeon. The elevator was the most beautiful feature of architecture work that fits the theme. It was one of those old elevators with a gate and it would move slowly up the floors. You have to go up a level to the dungeon. For a month I was in training to be a Dominatrix/Switch. Maybe I can make money this way. It was interesting experience.

The men that went, they weren’t low class and had money to spend on their kinks so they can pretend to the world that they are “respectful citizens” (whatever that’s supposed to mean, I don’t know) with wife and kids at home. Just another for of cheating.

I had to learn everything, “training” by going in with another girl during her session with a man with a kink. I learned about medical kinks in their medical room. There was a man that liked to be Pegged (fucked in the ass) so I had to wear a strap on dildo.

I’ve learned about standing over some guy and peeing on him in their bathroom. I believe I couldn’t pee. I was given a bottle of water to drink before the session, which is all by appointment only, and I just couldn’t go. I wanted to laugh but my issue then is I still didn’t have kids so I had a very good bladder. I was not going to even pee myself a little laughing hard. Golden Shower.

I learned about mummification kink. Guys that get off on being wrapped. I learned about Bondage and Submission. Guys with a tickle fetish, that love to tickle women. Oh, I even had to go through as part of training, what it felt like to be whipped by different objects and how to use them. Where not to hit and where to hit.

Nipple Clamps go behind the nipple not on the nipple itself.

After this month of “training”, I think I began to loose faith in humanity and where we were heading and sex in general. Never mind the fact, I really don’t think I’m going to ever find “love” so I was loosing that as well. I believe they wanted to promote me as a Submissive because I fit the stereotype being small and petite. I’m like, hell no. I wasn’t spanked as a child, I definitely don’t get into being abused as an adult. I left this environment and back to the clubs again. It was an eye opening experience into the BDSM world.

…… maybe more than a love: Polyamory

Back in 2001-2002, I found myself getting involved with the Swinger and Polyamory lifestyles. I didn’t know which was I was leaning. I would also entirely preferred a couple. They have each other for that mushy stuff and I’ll be there for the fun stuff type of thinking, which was Swinger mentally. Polyamory, it’s more of a relationship with more than one person at a time. I met this one group online. An African American man and woman and a white woman that were a primary trio. The white woman also had a boyfriend. What I loved about these people in this community was the openness. No mind games are being played. Swingers are more in it for sex. Polyamory was about the relationships. I never had sex with any of them. We hung out and they were great people. Stories of bringing home more than one partner to meet the parents. It’s a wonderful idea that if kids get involved, a community of people are formed to help with taking care of the kids. As far as I knew, they were a very stable unit.

For me, I don’t know why I don’t seem to form bonds very well with people. I’m just like this independent introvert or something, but if I’m a Twin Flame, I’m a Twin Flame and it probably does help with understanding why I am the way I am.

To understand the difference in Polyamory and Polygamy is in Polygamy, there is one single person that is the focus, which is usually male, with multiple female sexual relationships. Those females can’t have a relationship outside of their clan. In Polyamory, you can have an outside relationship out of the unit. The main unit would be called the primary relationship. This unit could be a married couple and each would have another partner. They could all live together. I believe my trio lived together and the boyfriend was I think from NY. They were from Central Jersey.

Swingers use people for sex, even if they don’t think of it this way. You can have a married couple that would have sex with other people but not real relationships. They are mostly fuck friends with people outside of themselves. Casual sex. Those are the people that dominate the Swing clubs, as it says in the name, swingers club.

I liked my trio group, but as I was learning, I was definitely straight. I also didn’t feel that “in love” feeling I wanted to feel. It was just some ordinary relationship in my mind.

You see, with this entire thing about Twin Flames and you can see why I feel he is entirely being an inconsiderate immature jackass. I don’t know the nature of their relationship but without effective communication it’s just all a guessing game.

I spoke to her first. Did other women try and talk to her to get to know her? As someone who knows and understands both the Swinger and Polyamory community, this couple is just ignorant and immature and play mind games. Perhaps it’s just as well he stays with an immature girl, but I was her age and engaged with open relationships with couples in a respectful and mature matter. We all knew how to communicate.

Who knows, maybe he is illuminati and everything they say it is. Maybe he is controlled by MKUltra. Maybe it is the Jews that control all of it and guess what, she’s Jewish. He’s just a mindless puppet.

All I see is excuses excuses excuses.

He wants to play Mirror me, well, you can’t mirror my hearing. You don’t know what that is like. He has perfect hearing. He can hear a conversation from the stage and bitch about them being a disturbance. He can hear the difference between paint colors of guitars. He should be praying how blessed his hearing is. I don’t have that. I am fully reliant on technology for my hearing.

After the birth of his daughter, he asks another woman about having a child with him. So, where does that place his relationship with Chloe? What kind of relationship do they have? Is he seeing women as vessels for his baby game now? There’s no problem here in America for that! Just go ejaculate in a cup at a sperm bank. Oh, not just one bank. Spread yourself out across the country. You’ll have hundreds of babies within a year, especially if you inform the superfans your donor number.

He’s all about the money. Even wants to cash in on this so called love story. It’s better for him to stay silent and speak through his music, his song lyrics. Wants to have music where he shouts that it was 40 years for me to wake up. Or it’s where he belongs. He knows he belongs with me but he ain’t done fucking other people or abusing Chloe by staying with her. Wants to use me to control her and she’s submissive enough to do so. I’m going to leave you for her if you don’t let me do what I want or say. Hide behind the runner twin flame label to why he’s not with me. To me, just all hogwash.

That couple, just a piece of shit couple. Mental abusers. They probably don’t do this to other rich folks but to the “lower classes” they are a piece of shit. They both play “Mirror me” on social media with no acknowledgement what so ever to the other person. Does he force her? He could use me as a pawn to get her to do whatever if she has no self esteem. To me, how can someone stay with someone like that? Maybe that’s her upbringing. Maybe she was sold to him as another person suggested to me. Maybe she was “groomed” by him for a long time like how Woody Allen did and these women think they are in love. Am I supposed to think this? I don’t know. There’s absolutely no communication between me and Mr Puppet for MKUltra. Maybe it’s not KM on his guitar but Mk for MKUltra.

Never mind this clip and his remark. “That’s too old for me. I like them young”

The Day I Met Billy Corgan in Rome 2013

Illuminati? Forced into a relationship with a child? The so called agenda?

No body speaks up because they fear of loosing their status and money. All about Greed. How do they control you, if you don’t have Greed?

Polyamory? Swingers? In a world where Twin Flames exists, this may just be another method of “keeping your options open” for “the one”. People that don’t know how to stay celibate in waiting. To me, at least they can be open and honest with themselves and their partner. No mind games. Overall, swingers are like just a bunch of sex addicts. They are finding new territory to conquer. Forever chasing something “new”.

People force themselves in monogamous relationships or “pretend” to the world that they are while one of them goes around and cheat. Unhealthy relationships. Than you have so called open couples but perhaps one of them didn’t want to be open but they hold on clutching the partner and agreeing with it just to keep them or just for fear of being alone, they’d rather stay unhappy with a partner than live alone.

I believe people do this with kids as well (bottom image). Becky and Joe are unhappy and they add kid(s) to try and fix things thus the child is treated as a commodity or a tool, or a pawn and not as an actual person.

Communication is very important in any relationship, even if you found a Twin Flame. People that want to put a label to everything, I believe “soulmates” are the ones that become Poly or swingers. Every other monogamous relationship is people trying to force the Twin Flame model. If we truly know who our Twin Flame is and we become more in tune with Soul, all of this other extra sexual relationships will dissolve and be not needed.

Passages that were in the Bible, I believe when they speak of marriages in old scriptures and sacred Texts, this is in reference to the Union of your divine other. Jesus even stated such in Matthew and Mark. He referenced Genesis and how we were created as one. That’s how it was in the beginning. But generations passed and things were disregarded and forgotten. I believe we all can find that one once connected to Soul again. I will be exploring more of this in the future.

But ego LOVES casual sex. You don’t need to fuck every person that you feel is a “soulmate”. Romancing the “Soulmate”. Romancing the “Twin Flame”. Than you have my Twin Flame “I need a lover. Lover” in the very next line. “What are you waiting for?” Hey Billy. What are you waiting for? Maybe I’ll be dead soon. He can than sing songs of sorrow of a lover who died. Pity my love life! I’m so Mellon Collie! Ruff!

My cousin Kristopher had a Collie when we were kids. Her name was Katie. That picture is NOT Katie. I wonder if I could find one. Another Sync?

The Countless Offers At Work

I cant leave out my job as a stripper. I’ve had many offers over the years. I actually met up with some. I had a man offer to take me to Italy. I didn’t go, of course.

I have tried to hook up with some guys for money purposes. The intention of being a Sugar Baby. Again, I couldn’t do it.

I also was going to hook up with this one guy, when I told him I was going to start school for video production and I needed a camera, we met at Best Buy and he bought me my Sony Camcorder. He was an African American and wanted a white girl to suck his dick. I never did it, we never met again. I got a camcorder out of the unfulfilled deal though.

I hooked up with some man with a digital DJ computer company that installed the computers at a club I worked at. He was married (cheating obviously) and I think we were to have an arrangement in someway but I forget and I never contacted him again. Lost my interest.

I once went out with an older gentleman that took me to a high class restaurant in Philadelphia, The Palm. Yes, I have thought in my mind, oooh, maybe Billy Corgan will so happen to be in the area and eating at this establishment at the same time! Or someone who knows him! I’m not listen to this man’s conversation, I’m looking around for you! . . . I seriously need to do something about these thoughts that pop in my head. . .

I’ve rode on back of motorcycles with 2 guys I met from the clubs. I’ve had a man offer to pay me to be a dominant and spank him and have him masterbate. (Before the BDSM training thing) I’ve worked in clubs with booths, both ones that separated by a screen and one I’m in the room. I’ve attempted doing online stuff long before social media. (Ha, I even had Pumpkins playing in the background while I stripped for the camera.)

I’ve met sports figures and other men who supposedly had money and some type of connections and power. I’ve been give countless phone numbers and business cards. If I ever went through with it, it obviously didn’t last and I’d disappear.


Yes, I’ve even done online dating. I have a colorful profile here also. I’ve met some couples through online dating. I’ve tried vegetarian dating site as well and I believe this is where I met a man that lived in Virginia and he worked as staff for someone that was a member of Congress. He was a nice gentleman. Too bad he was too far away and again, my evil heart!


  • The first year up to I found out I was pregnant was great. We had sex almost everyday. Of course I would be the one to pursue most of it, as I would wake him up after I came home from work. About 3 months pregnant I may have given up on being the initiator and wanted to have him make the first move. Our sex life would start to dwindle. When my belly was growing even more, he used the excuse to not want to “hurt the baby”. I told him that’s a lie. Plenty of research will show you this. It was even brought up during my bi weekly meeting at Crossroads. It actually helps during pregnancy. He still didn’t feel “safe.”
  • After the birth of our son, you can forget about any more of us spending time together doing things like “date night.” He never took me out alone again.
  • One day when I was on the computer and somehow I found myself looking at his search results. He may have asked me for assistance with an account of his and I was on his user profile. I was doing a search and stated typing and a suggestion was petite teen. It than led me to seek out his history and that was that argument. So, you want to have sex with your daughters friends? Petite teen? Your daughter is a teenager!
  • After our daughter was born and I was nursing her to sleep and put her in her crib. I came out of the room and found Bill all in his glory of masterbating to something on his phone. So, this is why we have very little sex anymore. We weren’t intimate for 7 months before I seen that! You don’t even try to be with me, you too busy jacking off! And to transgender porn!

On April 20th 2014, the icing on the cake happened! I know the date because I was trying to journal my experience and thoughts afterwards. It was a bit after the masterbation thing, when I found a sexual fetish that he had. I felt that I really, really, really tried to work with him with this, making suggesting such as incorporating this into four play type of thing? Maybe we can go out to fetish places, since I’m no stranger in this department. He only tried once and that was that. Trying to communicate with him about it and everything else was talking to a fucking wall. I felt I was being open, harmonious and civil! Instead I have better results talking to myself because I can at least answer myself.

I was going with the idea of riding out the shock and going along with it to see where it leads. Maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe we can start to communicate. I tried for a year and a half!

Almost one year passed on my little journal entry I wrote this, March 25, 2015

I had to take him down memory lane. No dear, its not just about your (fetish). You have not taken me out to date me since Julian was born. He’s 5. He throws out because we don’t have a sitter. Do I need to remind him of their neighbors who lived 2 doors down that use to watch his other 2 kids. His mom was sleeping here at some nights for his other 2 kids. He then says its money. Oh he can’t put 5 bucks away each week? Its not like I ask for a lot. I told him he already made that decision a long time ago. Even while at my parents house. I had to remind him, remember that time at the shore house, my grandfather’s house, my parents told us to go out and get some ice cream. My dad even handed him some money. The kids were sleeping. It was meant to be for US, to spend alone time but NOoooo, he had to have his older son tag along. Or remember when he had to take his older son out to see a movie but when did he ever take me out to see a movie? Not once! All we do is sit home and watch tv. Plenty of times he could take me out while at my parents too. I don’t ask for much. He doesn’t have to wine and dine me with expensive dinners. Even just doing what use to be termed “parking” somewheres, I’d be OK with. Nothing. He made that decision already. I’m tired of these excuses. He makes no effort. A little peck and I love you means nothing. Another excuse for not talking to me is because I’m on my phone. Seriously. How am I supposed to know he wants to talk? Mind read? He gave me a “hint”? What hint did I miss? A “look”? Need to talk if you want to talk, right? All day to talk and nothing. At night, he lays the opposite direction. Oh, placing the arm on me must mean he wants to talk. The only talk I hear is him complaining about work. He has to go and start naming his bills. OK. Yes. I understand. I’m aware. I guess I do just feel sorry for him. I made some suggestion before this mess and he proved he does not want to listen to me. When he won the lotto back in 2009, he had to buy this stupid car. He didn’t even have the money yet. “Oh I know these people” I can show them that I won and will be getting money soon. He just had to have that damn car I’m forced to drive now. I told him to wait. Let’s pay off my car first. Then get a new one. By the time he got the money we found out I was pregnant. We could have gotten a bigger vehicle. One that could fit everyone in, his other 2 kids as well instead of always needing to take 2 cars.

When I told him I was done, only then he wanted to do counseling. I tried a few times but even the social worker was saying, well, why didn’t you listen to her? There were times she said something to him and he’d reply, “yeah she mentioned that”.

Come in time I found out being a Twin Flame, boom, great! I am officially DONE with you and I’m sleeping on the couch.

I’ve recently asked him if his Twin Flame knows about his fetish and he says he hasn’t done it since she came into his life. I asked him when he was in courting stage with me and (his ex wife) if he has done it because he’s been doing this since he was a teenager and he says No. I said, so when a relationship is new it lies dormant. I asked when did it start again and he says he can’t remember.

My Opinion on Prosistution

I believe it should be legal. As the one quote states, if a person is committed to you, they will not buy sex from someone else. Insecure people need to make laws over it.

If I date Again

I’d probably go back to Polyamory and find myself a couple or triad or more, after I finish with my Ministries. Another year so I can focus on it. Fuck these immature serial monogamist men that don’t know how to be truthful, and communicate.

Of course after I typed that paragraph and went back to work a man asked me if I wanted to go home with them and I was like, ewe, “No.” so, I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon. I’m just going to say I’m Asexual. I don’t think I’m dating any time soon. I’m just going to be on hold for the rest of my life.

Also, there had to be a guy who showed up where in my mind I’m thinking some sort of resemblance of my Twin wearing a baseball cap and I started feeling all happy inside and I just knew I’m lying to myself and that if he showed up I’m going to be all in love again. I just need to accept that, I’m totally screwed. I won’t have another lover again. He was it. There’s no way I’m dating anyone that isn’t him.

When I was informed about being a Twin Flame, these are the many reasons why I believe it to be true.

I’m a total bitch now. Example: No. Go fuck yourself. Eat shit. Ignore business cards. I don’t want no doppelgänger, get away from me you imposter!

I’m ready to die alone.