INTRODUCTION TO THIS PAGE: Updated: April 4, 2022

Greetings. On occasions I find this page has been sought out and found through search engines. Have you found this page because of your curiosity of hearing about someone who is living a celibate life and if it is possible to be celibate? Perhaps you hold an interest in this and desire to finding fellow journeyers? Or maybe you’re just a hater or a doubtful person who disagrees that a human can be celibate? It is possible, I can tell you. It does have its challenges because sometimes out of the blue you feel this surge of energy like an itch, you want to scratch it to make it go away.

At the time of this introduction, I have been celibate for over 6 years. (Sorry folks, masterbation does NOT interest me.) By the sixth year, that scratching sensation has, what appears to have happen, disappeared. As time went on, it got less and less. As a female, there can be cycles that may be hormonal influenced but as you learn to direct your energies differently, over time even hormones won’t effect you. I know on the course of our female cycles we also get that “itch” but that “itch” has diminished for me. Of course, some might argue it’s because I’m aging, but I also hear that many women might actually become more sexual as they age. Once that whole “reproductive phase” ends, we are more free and not controlled by hormones. So, who knows.

This page is a part of what I call, my book blog. You the reader could call it something else, but I refer to this blog as my online book blog. This page is my journey of being celibate. And yeah, perhaps depending on how you view it, it has been sparked and largely influenced by being thrust into the so called Twin Flame journey. Check out the rest of my book blog, also the introduction : CHAPTER 01 (ZERO-1): INTRODUCTION to read how I ended up to where I am and my other blog: Twin Flame: Mirrors Through Photography to see all the tedious hard work I have put into showing the “connection” of Twin Flames.

MY JOURNEY WITH CELIBACY

UPDATED….DECEMBER 30, 2020.

Since I have learned about being a Twin Flame, I have decided I don’t want to be with anyone else. It was a byproduct of this entire Twin Flame thing. Billy Corgan is/was the one person my heart loves and for a long time. If it means I’ll be single and alone for the rest of my life because he’s deep in fear and “in love with his sadness” so be it.

I also knew that if I ever gotten married, he’s the only one I’d ever married. I never understood why I thought this way, it was just what I felt, or knew” in my mind. I never really questioned it, honestly. I felt a mix of acceptance and hatred for it, even if it was my own inner battle. It’s just something I never talked about nor felt a desire to talk about. I would just be labeled as a Billy Corgan fan girl and that is how I viewed it. To this day, I still never married any one. My children were born out of wedlock.

Celibacy wasn’t on the agenda early on when I first found out about being a Twin Flame. I mean, being in a romantic relationship usually involves sex. Being celibate just became a conscious decision over time, as physical separation kept marching forward and nothing from him towards me directly. Am I supposed to play jealous mind games and say/do things like “well, since you’re not here, I’m going to allow any penis to enter my vagina.” How immature!

My relationship with my children’s father would have its slow decline over time. We were at the end when I found out the truth of me and William Patrick Corgan. My children’s father and I just can’t seem to communicate, no matter what I tried…..or didn’t. It was like talking to a wall. 5 years into our relationship and I started making post on my Facebook wall for some “hints” because our conversations weren’t going anywhere so maybe I had to try another method to be heard. On February 22, 2015, long before I found out about being a Twin Flame, here are some of the memes I found and posted.

Perhaps on a subconscious level, I felt this with Billy. He would be getting it on with Chloe and getting her pregnant at this time. So, yeah, as twin flames who are lovers, there’s something being done wrong here. He’s going out and spreading his seeds and I’m stuck in a prison.

I still can’t figure out why this is also a reoccurring theme in my life with communication issues with other people. I mean, just look at how much communication I’ve been getting with the twin flame! Never mind my hearing that seems to be dwindling away to make communication more frustrating when speaking to people. Any wonder I can often feel I’m somehow being punished by the Gods of this world? Why should I bother to listen to people when no one seems to listen to me? Am I going deaf now? Does it matter anymore? My hearing bothers people with normal hearing now that it’s been more on a decline. I just zone out in my own world. Do my own thing. Perhaps I do connect better with my own intuition because of it.

Being a stripper for 25 years, yeah, I guess it does takes its toll on a person. It could be viewed like speed dating, in a way. I can look at all these guys in the eyes and feel nothing for them. I have these guys that grope me and try to stick their hands in my ass crack while squeezing my ass. This is pure sexual harassment that most feminists couldn’t deal with. We do play up on mostly men’s egos in the industry. I’ve see all sorts of crap and heard it all in one form or another in this environment.

I thought there was something wrong with me back in the day when I really started to feel so Jaded. I was really feeling it when I finished school. You can probably hear it in my song lyrics. For a month, I even decided to learn about being a pro dom. They train us to what is called a switch, someone who both dominate and be submissive. They felt I have more of a submissive appearance, and how the guys would see me as. This is where my eyes were really being opened to the “darker side of human sexuality”. I was trying to quit the clubs and I thought with my jadedness, I could do this type of work. I could probably escort too. After being there for a few weeks, I had to go back to the clubs because I learned I couldn’t make money doing this type of work. I couldn’t go through with it. One example is I needed to drink an entire bottle of water within ten minutes because in an hour some guy made an appointment, who loves golden showers, I was supposed to be able to pee on him when I go in a room with him. It’s also kind of awkward thinking some guy made a decision to make an appointment to be peed on. Or some guy made an appointment to be wrapped up as a mummy, or some guy made an appointment to be a medical experiment and fucked in the ass with a strap on. It’s one thing to hear about these things and know about them conceptually, it’s another matter to actually be in it. So, I went back to the clubs.

When I turned 30, I was hearing things like, “only 5 good years left to have a baby.” I was already on and off with celibacy. I’d go for months or a year and I think it was about a year and half I was celibate before I met my children father. I was also getting so burnt out! Trying to get my album finished all by myself. Learning about how to go about promoting it all by myself. It was very much a combination of things piling up on each other. I gave up on my spiritual path around 2005-2007. I stopped being Vegan in August 2005. I gave all my spiritual books to a buy sell trade book store in Philadelphia. The thousands of dollars I could have spent on them, I was only given fifty bucks when I handed over the books. I had enough of the “spiritual path”. I think I’m now atheist. I wanted nothing to do with “God”.

Even though I have tried and thought I could just use people to my advantage and fuck my way to the top, and after I reach there, I could be free to do whatever I wanted because, I would have the money and power. In the end, I could never actually go through with it. Other people seem to be able to, I can’t. I have a conscious I guess, even though I don’t feel anything like that lovin’ feeling towards anyone, other than the one who lives in my mind.

I always kept busy and having my job as a erotic entertainer, I had different hours than “normal” folks. I know I’m considered rare in the industry I work in. There were times I did drink alcohol, rarely though. I tried to go out and drink socially too. I tried dating sites. I give up and do nothing as well. Nothing feels right. I need comfort, let me listen to my favorite band (man, really. I just wanted to listen to Billy Corgan). Of course, this is not how I would consciously think, it was just something I naturally did. I just put the music on. At work, I’d request the DJ to “play me some pumpkins please” or I simply say “pumpkins please” “some pumpkins” (if the club had a DJ). Let me feel our oneness while I’m on stage. Let me merge with my beloved with his music and I’ll dance to entertain the these males. I’ll just zone out to this man’s music that I love. Even though, it really didn’t matter to me about the song that was playing, he would still somehow be in my headspace if no Pumpkins were played the entire time I was working. I use to think it was because I wanted to hear his music, as a fan, and suggest a song for my next set. I’ve learned a lot the past few years. I know his music wasn’t needed. He’s still a presence inside of me even if I don’t listen to his music, or watch videos of him, or read anything in the media. I could take a quiet walk and he’s still the one on my mind. He’s still the one I wanted there with me, or was it really I felt that I was him? 

I can’t say that I masterbated to him, it was never really sexual in that way. I was just drawn to him. His eyes I was drawn to like no one else. Every image of him, or with him in it, there’s just no one else. Yet, I knew, if I had a chance, I’d bang him like there’s no tomorrow, but I wasn’t masterbating to his physical image. There’s just something I can’t explain and never even tried to explain other than, that’s my favorite artist. He just is. Don’t talk shit about him! In my years of this “fandom” no body bothered me. I just enjoyed him like how I always did and kept it to myself and tried to live a normal life. 

I guess you could say I was protected of him, even if in my own mind and I never talked about it. I don’t know what the DJs at work thought. I guess they just assumed I was a fangirl even though I never seen them live. It’s unspoken, my inane love. Am I really a fangirl if I never or rarely ever seen them live? I had all their (his) music but, I rarely seen him. And I wasn’t so physically turned on to self pleasure to orgasm thinking about him. This to me is obviously beyond physicality.

In regards with masterbation itself, I always found it boring. It almost felt like a chore. It’s also like mentally raping people. No one likes to talk about that nor acknowledge it. Here you are visualizing someone who might not even have an interest in you at all to reach an orgasm. I mean, if you did this in real life and just start doing what you were visualizing to masterbate and the other person who doesn’t even know you is screaming out of fear and gave no consent, that’s rape. This is a form of spiritual rape. I can now fully understand this type of talk now.

Of course I have those “feels” once in a while, especially laying in bed ready for sleep. For me, I can’t say it’s night time because my hours are not “normal”. I work on a bar time schedule. Those feels are more prominent when someone is alone, laying in bed. During the waking portion of your day, you can keep yourself busy but when trying to fall asleep, and the groin area wants to tell you it wants some attention.

I would rather be with a person then sitting alone and masterbating in bed. I don’t watch porn, I know I work in “that” industry but I never found anything interesting with it. I never purchased the porn, nor magazines. I never owned a vibrator. When I would be asked, I simply tell the truth. I’d rather have a real penis attached to a human male body then some piece of plastic (or any other material they so happen to make them with now). Of course, no one believes me! “I don’t believe you.” And here is where a guy would try and make a move with lines like, you want to come home with me and we can take care of that problem for you? No.

I would rather have a real penis attached to a warm male body, that I can hold and cuddle up with, with a voice of a man that I can talk to, be intimate with, kiss on the lips, touch their body. . . I can’t get any of that with a vibrator or dildo or a hand or anything less than a full living person. And these people with robots or blow up dolls, or now virtual reality and being hooked up onto a machine. Ewe!

I know I had to do some booth shows for work in a club that had booths. That was 25 years ago and I can’t remember if I bought a vibrator or used one while I worked there. I was able to stay at this one club that was many miles away from my parents house. It was the same club I started at and they had 3 clubs so I was sent to the one furthest away from my hometown. They had another club with many booths but I was rarely there and the one I was stationed at had, maybe 3 booths? They were doing upgrades on that particular club for a period of time while I was there, so no shows for a while. When I left that club, I tried to avoid places with booths. If I had to fake it, I’d fake it, but I would try and drag it out and just do poses or spread open holding my lips while the guy jacks off. At least there’s a piece of glass separating us and I don’t need to have sex with them. And I can barely see what the guy looked liked or just look around the room or stare off in space. Yay. Exciting.

I think just falling into celibacy was just bound to happen anyway. I mean, you’re also reading from someone who thought I might have took the route of becoming a nun as a child. Well, I guess I’m taking it differently, the word nun, with all the corny puns. I shall have nun sexual relations with anyone who isn’t Billy Corgan, my divine counterpart, since I learned about our connection October 22, 2015. I want nun-one If you’re not Billy Corgan (William Patrick Corgan of the band Smashing Pumpkins). Nun other penis shall enter this vagina. I shall be with Nun other Billy Corgan.

My anniversary for being celibate is October 21, 2015. I’m pretty sure I didn’t have sex with my children’s father the day before I found out about being a Twin Flame. Our relationship was already done with. So I decided to make back to the future day my celibate anniversary.

Bill did decide to try and have us go through therapy last minute when he realized it was done. He told me he wanted to try to save the relationship with me with a therapist when he didn’t go to one with his ex wife. The one fact he never even popped the question to me after 2 children was enough. I never even felt to say this that we should marry to make the relationship more solidified. Am I supposed to keep calling him my boyfriend for the rest of my life? At one point it felt awarded to me in how I was supposed to address him to others when we had two children. We now have a family and I’m still supposed to call him a boyfriend. It was also these thoughts that also probably had me start going into the fan groups. Never-mind, some of the odd deceitful type of behavior I would eventually catch him with and a behavior he says his ex wife of 13 years didn’t even know.

And now, enter the Billy Corgan is my Twin Flame/Soul; divine counterpart, my divine individual other me of many names! Well, then, after all my life, it was you all along and I had enough of the “dating world”. If it isn’t you, William Patrick Corgan, that I am in a committed relationship with, I don’t want anyone else! The missing element to my first wave of being on a spiritual path. The one I would think there’s something wrong with me to have these thoughts pop up, or of a feeling, or knowing, about this celebrity, my one fixation, that I never spoke about because I only seen it as a fan girl type but I rarely ever went to any shows or ANYTHING! It’s the only thing that makes sense to me in its description about this “thing” I felt and had me not try and even see him live! The “thing” i thought that I’ll be obsessive if I let this thing out. The “thing” that made me feel deep in my core I had to deny because it felt unattainable and I had to find another relationship and settle. But deep within, I don’t want another relationship. Now I know this “truth,” this “knowing” that has surfaced, why would I want another? Why should I settle? Saying no is so easy for me. I did it all my life, and more so working in the clubs. What am I supposed to do? Say yes to every man that gets an erection and says he wants to take me home? When there are days and depending on the size of the club, I could get many offers from dicks that want to take me home. Whom am I to choose? Insanity! And when I do decline, I see them working on another dancer. So glad I said no to you, you desperate piece of shit!

Ok, I know I can’t really say something like that. That wasn’t nice of me, to call men desperate pieces of shit. I know not all men are like that. My father is an example.

Choosing to be celibate is easy for me. I’ve already been there, done that!

And now. After 5 years and his silence towards me and being celibate, my puns are becoming, I shall be with nun-one. I walk with God. Therefore, I have become a nun, but I no longer walk in the Catholic Faith. My only issue in joining a covenant is, I have young children.

Google Search: joining a convent

I feel there comes a point in walking this path and also celibacy that you come to an acceptance. You accept that I perhaps am too much for him. I have this love he couldn’t handle. I know he felt it as he showed it in person those times I seen him. There’s a point where you have to say, ok. I know I loved you and I guess I can only love you from afar. It would have been great to know what it would have been but these actions of his speak otherwise. I can’t make him love me, because that is not love. It is what it is.

If you love someone, let them go and set them free. Just as I have done once before. I give those roses to you, and walk away. I love you, goodbye.

******

So I reached my 6 years of being celibate. Still no Twin Flame entered my life. To be honest, I have no desire to have sex, if ever again. Also, in regards of Twin Flames and if it’s true what they say, I have no idea about that situation. As far as I can tell with my celibacy, he is also included on that I don’t care if I never have sex again. If you are still confused because people,still can’t envision no sex, yes that means, no orgasms. Celibate = no orgasms. No, I’m not masterbating nor use lame ass toys. Understand?

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